This Unexpected Life

January 11--The Goal

2012-01-14T20:51:00.000-05:00

So, January 11 has come and gone.

And Eric and I still remain speechless at what God has done through his people.

I don't really know how to say thank you in an adequate way. The words that I wrote (and am still writing) thank you notes don't seem to say enough.

God has used you to encourage Eric and I through some very difficult and discouraging days this past month. Thank you!

January 11th was the date that Lifesong set as a goal date for our fundraising. Our goal was to raise $2500 from family and friends to match a $2,500 grant from Lifesong. On January 11th, we had been given gifts from friends and family totaling well above the goal.

I get very choked up when I think about that. Isn't God good? Every gift, every giver, every amount is precious to us.

To understand what this means to us, I think there needs to be a bit of explaining. In the past few weeks our case worker shared with us her belief that we will not be able to adopt siblings from Lesotho because she has never seen what we are asking for. The week after that news, she suggested that we consider switching countries and now adopt from Uganda where we could adopt two non-related children at once, thus fulfilling our heart's desire. After much prayer and discussion, we have decided to remain true to our original call and intent, understanding that it may take longer than we had originally desired and we still may not have siblings come into our home.

When we add up the gifts we were given, the grant, and our current savings, we have enough to pay our next payment to adopt 2 children for Lesotho. This little bit of math is confirmation for me. (Although, the cynic in me says: yes, but the gifts you were given will also pay the fees for one child as well.)

We are so blessed. We hold tight to God's promises and our heart's desire.

Thank you!

P.S. Our next big financial item will be plane tickets and travel costs, which are about $2500 per person right now. Any gift made to Lifesong on our behalf is ours to use until we have reached the full amount of all adoption and travel expenses. Any amount raised above this will go to assist other families in the adoption process.

Lifesong for Orphans

2012-01-03T22:38:00.001-05:00

Have you heard about these people: Lifesong for Orphans? What I have learned about this organization that promotes orphan advocacy is amazing. Last year they helped fund a group of Russian orphans to start their own gardening business, they have sponsored education and life-improving drives in Africa, and they helped 638 orphans come home to their forever families with financial grants or loans.

We are so excited that this organization has decided to partner with us! We have received a $2500 matching grant from Lifesong. That means that they are matching, dollar-for-dollar gifts made on our behalf up to $2,500. What that really adds up to is $5000!

The catch? Well, it is a time limited offer. All gifts given up until January 11th will be eligible for the matching grant. All gifts after that will still be credited to us, it just won't be part of the grant. So far, we know there is over $900 in our account at Lifesong! So we're about one-third of the way there. Woohoo!

So, you must be asking yourself, Jan. 11th? That's only one week away!

I know, the holidays sorta mess everything up, but I have good news for you. There is a paypal link! Yep, right now from the comfort of your computer chair, you can click here to be directed to Lifesong's donation page. Scroll down to find paypal options and make a gift. It's that easy. (Note: Lifesong does not take any part of any gift on our behalf for administrative fees, but paypal does. So the amount of the gift we receive will be just 1-2% less than the gift you make. Just so you know.)

To make sure the donation is credited to us and not their wonderful general fund, you need to designate Beuker #2355. Any gift is tax-deductible as Lifesong is a non-profit entity.

When we were first considering how to fund our adoption and pondering the idea of accepting gifts like this, I was truly uncomfortable. I don't want people to just give us money, we surely don't deserve other people's money. A friend commented, "But our money is helping orphans find a forever home." That help me put things in perspective. This isn't about me or my pride, but about two beautiful kids who God loves who need a home.

And as an added bonus, let me show you this:

This is the beginning of a quilt our family is making to help us visualize and remember the many wonderful people who are walking on this journey with us. I have created 100 leaves on which we will write the names of (hopefully) every person/family who helps. So far, I have names to fill 60 of them.

Wouldn't it be an awesome testimony of God's provision and love to fill every leaf? To have this quilt to wrap around our precious kids and help them understand how loved they were before they ever got here?

Thanks for wrapping your arms around our family. We have felt your love and prayers.
S

December: An Unsettled Time

2011-12-30T18:00:00.000-05:00

I've been unexpectedly silent during the month of December. Totally surprised me. Usually, I find the Christmas season to be so full, full of promise, full of expectation, full of beauty, that I find the need to share many of my thoughts.

But not this year.

This December has been a very unsettled time for me and our whole family. Nothing bad happened; there was no tragedy, sad news, or other such event.

It is just a time of enormous uncertainty and change for us. And I don't do well with that. For the sake of situations that are on-going, I am not going into details. But trust me when I say there are major, life-changing decisions being made here.

Today I was reminded by how thankful I am for the fact that God knows my future, he is in total control of my present, he has walked me through every moment of my past. Because some days it feels like all of it is just spinning out of my hands and control.

At the front of your mind, you must be asking: Oh no, did something happen with their adoption? Well, the answer is yes and no.

At the beginning of the month we were blessed to receive a $2500 matching grant from Lifesong for Orphans. I am putting together a post on that for the next day or so. What an enormous blessing! With great anticipation we mailed out our Christmas cards/fundraising letters. We are blessed by those who have responded, but God is also teaching us great patience. He holds all things. . .

Did anything else happen? Well no. We thought there was supposed to be a pairing meeting in December, but that didn't materialize. And we have no word on when one might be. So again, we wait while we learn more about patience.

But, we have received the disheartening news that it is highly unlikely that we will receive siblings during this process. This is a painful blow to us. For Eric and I, our commitment has ALWAYS been biological siblings. But a "highly unlikely" event is not impossible one, because my God is a God of miracles. We are left to wonder what is to happen, running many "what ifs", trying to predict an unknown future, knowing we won't know anything until we do.

There is a great burden on my heart for prayer: prayer for me and Eric as we make some major decisions, prayer for our kids: the ones who are waiting, the brother and sister pair that are "highly unlikely", the ones that are already residents of our heart. Would you join me in this prayer, for a miracle beyond many's beliefs: that God has two kids age 4 and younger waiting for us in Lesotho? We are so willing to be flexible, but there are so many hoops, paperworks, uncertainty, but we want to hear God's clear voice as to how we wait.

God hears our prayers.
God answers prayers.
On this, I base my hope.

Christmas Pictures!

2011-11-26T18:44:00.001-05:00

It's that time of year.

I love the holidays. Thanksgiving and Christmas have always been favorites in my book, partly because of the way that we celebrated it as a kid, and partly because of what they have come to mean to me as an adult.

Thanksgiving has always been a warm time with good friends. This year we had to make new traditions and while it was great to welcome new friends into our home, missing the old ones made the day bittersweet. But we are still thankful: God has blessed us in incredible ways. Beyond the "expected" thank-ings, I have unexpected ones: a writing partner, a son who asked Jesus into his heart, a grant towards our adoption.

As we have moved beyond Thanksgiving into the Christmas season, I always appreciate the opportunity to think about Christ and his amazing love: that he would sacrifice so much for me, for us.

To commemorate, we take the obligatory family Christmas picture for the Christmas card. This should not be a cause for great concern, unless you are part of this family.

Have I ever mentioned that I do not take great pictures?
Did you know that my son is missing so many teeth across the front of his mouth that he can't really smile?
Have you ever tried to make OG sit still, even for 1 minute?
Luckily, I have one girl who loves the camera: any chance to pose is a golden one for her. And Eric always looks good in pictures.

Out of all the pictures we took, this one is my favorite. It is the one that I think best represents our family.

Unfortunately, I didn't win the discussion and this one is not the picture for our annual Christmas card. I bet the picture would have been better if I hadn't have been tickling J & OG.

Oh well, just wait until you see which one won!

Waiting

2011-11-06T21:49:00.000-05:00

Our Sunday meal from The Orphan's Table. A meal similar to many eaten by orphans and impoverished people around the world. Did we like it? Not really. . .but it gives us good perspective.

Yesterday was the first time that I felt the burden of waiting for our kids. It was just a pit in the bottom of my stomach, but it was there and it was un-quietable. We are at the point in our process where we simply have to wait--wait for governments to do what they do, wait for our kids to be found, wait for them to be checked out (medically and orphan status), wait for money to be earned, set-aside, and raised.

Wait, wait, wait.

And usually I am quite okay with waiting. I don't mind being patient. I have a full life and kids and a husband and a house I can barely keep clean and school and writing.

But yesterday, for the first time, life just felt a bit emptier without them. And I don't even know who they are yet.

I am not despairing. I am just putting words to my feelings.

The feelings I naturally have toward getting these kids home have been intensified by the fact that today is Orphan Sunday. It's a day to remember and pray for the millions of children around the world without parents, homes, food, clothes, security. It's a day for Christians to stand up for the defenseless and love on the fatherless.

I spoke in front of my church today about Orphan Sunday--and I was a nervous wreck. How do I communicate the calling that God has given each of us to care for the orphan? How do I not make it about me or my family or any other family, but instead about these kids--who deserve love and homes? How do I honor God the most with my words?

Thinking about these things have kept me up at night. Let me tell you, there is very little that keeps me up at night. But orphans and their plight: well, they bother me. They bother my heart, they cause me to be uncomfortable, to itch for action, to do something. I want them to be loved, I want to love them.

But right now, I'm supposed to wait. And it makes me want to cry.

I think I'm supposed to raise awareness, to talk about uncomfortable things, to challenge people to take a step. I would much rather wrap my arms around a child and read them stories and play games and sing songs.

I want to wrap my arms around my kids. To bring them home.

But I will wait, knowing that until, and even after we bring them home, God has His great, big, all-encompassing arms around them. And me.

Quarter 1 Recap

2011-10-30T17:00:00.000-04:00

So, we've finished 10 weeks of school and I thought that this would be a good time to recap the things that we've done, mostly so I can pat myself on the back and say "good job, me!" Because even though I love it, this homeschooling stuff is hard work: it gobbles up a fair bit of my time and energy, demands patience and love and a huge helping of the Holy Spirit, and my house is pretty much a disaster all of the time.

But I love it! Why? well because I get to study history and science and math and writing with my kids. I get to hear Katie getting a better grasp on reading and watch Josh understand the math concepts of carrying and borrowing. Josh & Katie have also started asking questions that have forced us to explore more deeply, try a bit harder. Why isn't there more about women in the Middle Ages? What is the code of chivalry? Olivia is excited to learn her letters and is dying for the opportunity to read.

We have explored the crust of the earth with a pizza and started testing minerals. We have travelled with Richard the Lion-hearted, Joan of Arc, the Black Prince, Marco Polo, and St. Francis of Assissi. We have visited Scandinavia in the winter with the Tomten, sailed with the Vikings to Greenland and beyond, and marched across Europe through Asia minor for the glory of God. We've learned that sometimes priests are focused on things other than God, women had a strong presence in the Middle Ages (who do you think cared for farms when all the men went off to war), and becoming a knight was not easy. We've learned our Spanish vowels and pointed out many el camion and el autobus.

We' ve met the God of the Bible: Jehovah, El Elyon, El Kana, El Shaddai, and Elohim--and learned that he is a loving, Creator God who deserves and demands our full attention and lives. Before Him there can be no other.

In life, we've encountered some bumps, been bruised, but have used creative thinking to overcome. There are now chore charts and kid calendars and places where the kids learn from others than me. They've brought me to tears, I've made them cry. School at our house is life magnified by 1,000.

But we're looking forward: to the Renaissance, the Age of Discovery, The Reformation, Shakespeare. Minerals and Rocks. Addition, Subtraction, Multiplication, and Division. Spanish. And most importantly, Christ Incarnate: the Son of our Living God, come to earth as baby to live life and die for all our sins.

There is so much to be thankful for, so much more to learn.

And now, for your viewing pleasure: A smilebox album on our trip to the Renaissance fair in mid-September. We had a fantastic time and I hope to use much of what we saw to bring home the lessons we are learning in the weeks to come.

Enjoy!

This slideshow made with Smilebox

Writer's Block

2011-10-26T22:21:00.000-04:00

So, if you know anything about me, you know two very basic things:
1} I love the written word. I love the way it flows on paper. I love the way the way words force me to consider things that I wouldn't on my own: an emotion, a question, a problem, a solution. I could spend most of my time thinking about words.
2} I love to learn new things. I love to ask questions and learn about people and places. I like going a bit deeper and asking uncomfortable questions that get at the heart of a feeling or problem or situation or person. When I meet someone who views, thinks, or knows differently from me, I want to know about it--so I ask a ton of questions. I am truly interested in what other people have to say.

Add to that the fact that I love the quirky things in life, the small details that others may notice but not pay attention to and that I love to express myself with the written word, mostly for me, but also for others.

So I ask you? Why in the world do I have writer's block?

I mean, seriously, I have ten thousand ideas in my head. Every day I think of new questions to ask, find out about, write about, explore. I've even thought of a blog post that just lists a ton of questions I have, things that I am curious about.

And every time I sit down at a computer to type or write something out, I completely freeze. The words are stilted, forced, fake. They aren't what I write in my head. It doesn't have the rhythm, force of meaning, provocativeness, or lilt that I hear when I recite them in my head.

Why are these words stuck inside my head?

Honestly, it's because I care too much about what other people will think. And isn't that true in so much of life? We are free in our heads and stilted on paper because of how others will judge us and what we look like on the outside.

In much of the way that I live my life, I have stopped depending on others approval to validate who I am. And that is what I need to do more in my writing. Oh yes, I have a ton to say. And you might not like it. But if I am truly honest about who I am and who God has created me to be and the fantastic things that are in my head--Watch out! 'Cause there is some sweet writing comin' your way.

A Love that doesn't make sense

2011-10-07T23:05:00.000-04:00

I have some dear friends who recently brought into their home a new baby. Sometimes I get lost when I am watching the mom and the dad and baby J interact: there is such intensity, such love in their expressions, my heart wants to break for it.

You see, baby J came to their home after months of prayer and waiting and has become their child through adoption. He is not their child by birth, but knowing the difficulty of the road they walked to bring him home, he is their child, a child of their hearts.

And I marvel at this. Because it is obvious they love him deeply, they enjoy having him there, they are thrilled he is a part of their wonderful family.

But what I marvel the most (and have been thinking about quite a bit lately) is the deep love they have for baby J. Their love for him is equal to their love for their other kids.

And that is what doesn't make sense, sometimes to me, sometimes to the world: how can you love a person enough to sacrifice everything if they have no ties to you except your commitment to them?

That is what I think the essence of adoption is. I think about our kids, the ones we are waiting for. And right now our waiting feels patient, it's manageable. Eric and I talk in broad terms about what our family might be like when they finally come home. But right now it is purely an academic exercise. Sure, I feel some sort of affection for whoever they are, this vague idea of a boy and girl who are coming home to us. But it surely isn't real.

It is a lot like before I ever had children. I had no idea I could love so deeply, so instantly. Kids were actually a scary idea: they ruined your marriage, took away your personal time and money, sucked away your joy and energy. Even during pregnancy, I wasn't one to wax deep loving thoughts over that little one who was growing inside me. But the minute I met my son, the love was fierce.

I know that when we get that referral, everything changes . The kids will then have names, faces, stories. They are on their way to becoming ours. Our love, concern, and care for them grows. And then the moment we meet them for the first time. Well, although those two kids might not understand what is happening, tears of joy, relief, and thankfulness will be shed. In fact, I can make myself cry just thinking about it.

And now as I look at our adding to our family, I know I will love these kids. I know I will be willing to sacrifice anything and everything for them to be safe and whole and loved. But as I read about the trials that we might face, I question this love: why would anyone want to do this? Why do I want to make it that we stick out in a crowd? Why do we want to deal with the struggles of adjusting to life in this family when (usually) we like it just the way it is? Why should we voluntarily make life harder than it is, taxing our physical, emotional, and mental resources?

See, it doesn't make sense.

Does it make sense?

Yes it does. Don't worry. I don't know how it happens or how it works, but I know it does. I will love those kids enough to break my heart.

How do I know?

I seen it in the examples of many, many families with adopted kids, both young and old. I have heard the tears and anguish of when a child chooses the wrong path, the pain of a child removed back to a birth mother, the joy felt when a child has reached a milestone. God has a way of weaving families together.

I also know because God is in the business of adoption. He adopted me. He used his Son to bring the two of us together. I did nothing to deserve a place in His family. And even though I have fought him and grieved against him and not trusted him to do what's best for me, he has always remained my Father. Nothing can remove me from his family. Not height nor depth, nor life nor death, nor things present nor things to come, nor things in heaven or on the earth or below the earth will be able to separate me from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

It's a love that doesn't make sense. It doesn't make sense that God would love me in spite of who I am and I how I fight his goodness. Just like it doesn't make sense that I will love a child who will fight me (well, sorta like I am loving children who are fighting against me now!) But it is True. It is real.

It is a love that doesn't make sense. But it will. Because it does.

And we're live!

2011-09-10T12:15:00.000-04:00

The kids have worked hard on their potholders.

So Eric and I worked hard on creating their etsy shop. And as of last night, we are live!

You can visit their shop at For the Love of Lesotho and check out their offerings. You can email us with requests & you can just simply spread the love.

We are proud of their work and effort and pray that they will be encouraged by the outpouring of others.

Keep checking the shop to find out what other goodies they may have to offer. We have some great ideas in the works!

Blessings,
S

My Kids are Wonderful!

2011-09-04T22:19:00.000-04:00

My Great kids!

I just wanted to take a minute to brag on my kids.

A lot of the time, I complain about their "kid-ness" wanting them to be neater, quieter, more considerate, to listen better, and give me more of what I want. Sometimes, I can admit, that I want them to be the kind of kids we imagined in some perfect fairytale world where they are neat and orderly, perfectly respectful, speak kindly when spoken to, and always on their best behavior.

But that wouldn't be very fun, would it?

Instead I have kids who are human, like I am and sometimes we clash. Sometimes they make me want to cry, sometimes I make them cry. I do believe that is part of being a family.

And then I see them do something that is completely unexpected but totally within character.

Right now they are making "stock" for an etsy shop selling. . . Potholders! Yep, they want to do their part to help--so we're working on setting up shop. They are trying to think of a clever name for their shop and finding a reasonable price for their goods (they are thinking about $2. E & I may adjust that a bit).

See aren't they beautiful?

Don't you want one?

Even if they don't sell a single one (which should be doubtful because family will buy at least one, right?) I am proud of them for their initiative, creativity, and stick-to-itiveness. Because really, I have wonderful kids!

It's not about the money, right?

2011-08-16T22:37:00.000-04:00

Well, it's not supposed to be about the money. Bringing home some kids isn't initially about money: it's about providing a home to someone who doesn't have one, it's about being obedient to God's call, it's about showing the sacrificial love of Christ to someone who needs it.

But right now, it feels like it is all about the money.

Here's an update: Our dossier is complete and has been accepted by our adoption agency. (A dossier is a compilation of papers attesting to our worthiness to adopt: financials, references, home study, criminal background checks, etc.) That dossier is on it's way to the State Department to be authenticated (meaning: the government is making sure everything checks out) and from there it travels to Lesotho. On this end, it is simply a waiting and praying game. We can do nothing to enhance the speed of this process. (And that's okay with us!)

Our kids are waiting for us and we're coming to get them.

But along with that comes our first big invoice. And we are short of the amount that we need to pay at this time.

Keep in mind that we are also concurrently finishing a bathroom and living life as simply as possible. And we have already leapt over some major financial hurdles. (And I stayed within my grocery budget today--hooray for small victories).

So we are brainstorming how to do this, how to bridge the gap. Here's what we know: we are not going to sell "adoption" wares (Trust me: there's a lot out there and it's pretty great stuff, but we're not into that). Proceeds from Eric's pen sales will benefit the fund and I am soon setting up an etsy shop to sell produce bags (not very exciting, but every bit helps). We are going to apply for some grants and get in with a 501(c)3 that will provide tax benefits to those who donate to our cause. And we're going to plan some events for later this year and into next year. But these ideas don't get the gap bridged.

Tonight, Josh, on his own initiative went to some friend's houses with the wagon to collect cans & bottles that we can return for cash. He did pretty good on his first day. He says he's going back out tomorrow. Our wonderful neighbor also gave him a bag of pennies to count. Quite literally, every penny counts.

I can see God's hand of provision at work in the recent past, getting us as far as we have. And I know he will provide exactly what we need when we need it. But I don't know how we're going to get there.

Let me tell you, He's using a unique group of people as his tools right now. Eric is part of an online pen-turners community. And so far a few of these guys (who we have never physically met) have stepped up with some incredible gifts. I am humbled by the kindness of strangers. If any of you IAP guys read this, my heart-felt thanks. Thank you. I can barely say more without tears. Because of you, we are closer to our payment than we were yesterday.

See, it's not about the money. But it is. Because in this moment, it is how God is showing us his care, his provision, and his grace. It's reminds me that these are not my kids, but His. And truly, I do love Him for it.

Remembering Today

2011-08-15T22:43:00.000-04:00

I've decided that I need to remember how I feel this week.

The pencils are new and freshly sharpened. The textbooks are crisp and clean. Papers and notebooks are all nestled snugly in their shelves.

Curriculum has been ordered and planned and thought over and prayed over.

I am ready for this upcoming school year.

The kids are excited too--they can't wait for the stories, the projects, a Medieval festival, math (yep, they love math!)

I am excited to help them learn more about spelling and God's creation and who He is and the history and geography of this world that we live in.

I can't wait to serve alongside my kids as we practice some of God's commands.

And I need to remember this feeling in January after days of air so cold your breath freezes at the thought of going outside but you're losing your mind from being caged in all day.

And when I hear about the super sweet projects their friends are doing in their own school classrooms.

And when I see the yellow bus drive by my house. . .and my kids are sitting at the table not doing their work.

I need to remember this enthusiasm and energy and desire to teach, and learn, and be together on the days when I just want to be left alone.

Because the new feeling inevitably wears off, the books get scuffed, the pencils break and the pencil sharpener is no where to be found. Because there are days that I forget that I feel called to this path, not forced on it.

So tonight, I will focus on remembering the wonderful parts of homeschooling. Because that is what makes this life so sweet.

Foolishness to the World

2011-08-06T08:14:00.000-04:00

I can admit I live in a sheltered world. I just don't face much faith-related opposition. Don't worry, I'm not complaining, but am just pointing out a truth.

This week I realized that Eric does not live in the same world that I do. Often we talk about how people he works with react to the different things our family does. With my good intentions, I tell him to shake it off.

Earlier this week, Eric and I were golfing with his co-workers. It was the work golf outing. This year we were paired with a couple I really like but don't know all that well. Really, we see each other for work functions, weddings, and funerals.

Throughout the course of 18 holes of golf with a sit-down dinner, we find out things about each other, which means, for the first time we shared with them about our desire to adopt siblings and where we live in the city.

And they just didn't understand. "Why don't you just have more kids?" " You don't really live in the inner city do you?"

I realized that we could explain it 'til we were blue in the face, but they just can't understand. The tugging of the Holy Spirit on our lives and choices looks like foolishness to the world. We can't really even explain it in terms that will make sense to them.

So now, I think they are baffled by us. Eric has reported to me that others are baffled by us as well. And now I understand better what it is to look like a fool, but also to know that at the end of the day, the life we lead is a response to God's call.

Maybe others will see God in the lives we lead. At least that is my prayer.

And the results are (almost) in. . .

2011-07-10T23:11:00.000-04:00

Tonight I write this post because I know you are eager to hear how it went, but I feel at a loss for words to describe this past weekend and all the work & result that the sale included.

Wonderful. Exhausting. Fun. Hard. Full. Blessed. Frustrating. Surprising. Exhausting. Busy. Friend-ful.

I guess I can give you a bit of an illustrated play-by-play.

Friday morning began bright, beautiful & early. As in, I woke up at 6:15 and Eric and a handful of friendswer working in my side yard. We were set-up & ready by 8:30--and away we went. We had 16 tables in the yard, stuff on the ground, boxes that weren't able to be unpacked. It was crazy.

OG was lucky enough to be invited to play at a younger friend's house (which was a huge blessing!)

J & K, with the help of our friend Karli, manned the bake sale table (until noon when they quit because it was too hot and Yoli offered to take them swimming).

Our handmade table had some lovely pens, fantastic jewelry, and really super cute hair clips. On Saturday, that table also included my handmade item: produce bags!

Grandma & Papa picked the kids up that evening--and we slept in a tent (well, sorta, for part of the night, because, well, did you see how much stuff there was? Did you think we could have possibly put that all back in our garage overnight?). We stayed in the tent late into the night when we realized that a few hours of sleep in our bed was precious to us. We also believed that the presence of the tent was good security for the area.

Saturday was hot. And much slower. Honestly, I was ready to throw in the towel at about 12:30--but friends continued to encourage, and people kept coming and coming, until 4 p.m. We started packing up then--and after we sorted out the things that we are keeping to sell on Craig's list, ended up with a garage full of goods for a mission or ministry.

How to report the God things that happened in these two days? Well, I can't share them all, but there are some great stories. Like the many people who stopped to ask us about where Lesotho is. Or the many, many wonderful people who paid for a $1 item with $10 or $20 or more and let us keep the change. The friends who stopped by to offer hugs, gluten free treats, prayers, or to browse (even though they didn't need a thing in the world). The one family that came after hours and hung out for a bit as we found common interests in reading, writing, adoption, thrift, and life! The many, many confirmations we received.

But the best, I've saved that for last. Late yesterday afternoon, a sweet looking guy (college age) stopped by and bought some ugly duck thing (picture). After some conversation we learned that he had recently returned from three months in the South African Free State which is just north of Lesotho and that he spoke the language of the country, Sesotho (Se-su-to). He hung around for a bit and taught us a few words and phrases. We are going to see him again soon, look through his pictures and hear more about his experiences.

But what a God-thing! Things like that don't happen by chance.

So I also shouldn't be surprised that when we counted our earnings again tonight for deposit, our money multiplied. There was $150 more than when we counted and added last night!

The cicada hatched on this bag Saturday morning.
It was beautiful to see another aspect of God's craftsmanship

While there are still some small sales pending with the possibility of more earnings, tonight we figured out two things. 1) The amount we earned is equal to the amount we had to take out of the adoption savings to pay bathroom costs. (got that?) 2) The amount we earned is about 1/3 of the amount we need for our first payment to the adoption agency

Our God is so good and abundant. I am still in awe.

Look what God has already done!

2011-07-05T20:08:00.000-04:00

I write this post on Tuesday night, three days before our garage sale and I already stand amazed at how God has provided for us--and we haven't yet received a penny! In fact, I wanted to record how i feel at this time so that I can remember that no matter what the dollar figure for our weekend, we can remember that God provides.

I am both overwhelmed and overwhelmed by the outpouring we have received.

Overwhelmed in a good way because there has been overwhelming response (as in people I never would have expected have contacted us to offer help/goods/stuff).

And Overwhelmed in an overwhelmed kind of way because our house is full of stuff for this weekend.

Here are a couple stories that I am really holding on to right now.

One Sunday afternoon a friend dropped off a load that included three bikes left in the basement of his rental house. That afternoon a member of my small group (a bike guy) took a look at them and offered to fix them up. So he took them to his brother's bike shop and put on new tires, tuned it up, and washed it. He returned on Monday with two bikes that we can now sell for about $100/piece. They are great bikes that ride smooth.

Tuesday morning a woman from our church called. She was moving and heard we were having a sale and why and wondered if we would be interested in the stuff left in her house that she hadn't been able to give to friends. We said, "yes" and four van loads later have (among other stuff) a beautiful loveseat with a pull out bed and a chaise lounge.

A Saturday morning a dear friend and her son stopped by, unannounced, and left us with a couple bags of clothes and a brand-new, still in the box radio flyer wagon! From the store it is more than $100.

Right now, I have a huge pile of clothes in my basement, a front porch full of furniture, a garage packed with small appliances, bikes & baby goods, and rooms in my house full of sorted and priced items. And more is still coming from family members and friends. I look around and stand amazed.

Some different people Eric and I know who make hand-crafted goods have sent us some of their wares (pens & jewelry) to sell.

People have offered to bring baked goods for the kid's bake sale table. We have others who have volunteered to some and sort. I am blown away by this response. Truly. It reminds me that even though this event and fundraiser is benefiting our family by providing us with funds to bring some kids home, the community around us wants to help provide two kids a forever family.

I have goosebumps all over as I write this. I know God is here. And I trust that just as he has provided people & goods & hands, he will also provide buyers and money. Pray for that with me, will you? Pray that there is another overwhelming response, that lots of stuff finds new homes, that others catch the vision as well. Pray that these are days that bring glory to God.

Becoming less childish and more Child-like

2011-06-21T21:50:00.001-04:00

Sometimes I feel like such a fool. Like these past two weeks as I have been worrying about money and provision which I cannot control. And trying to hand out my ideas of what to do, how to fix, how to provide. As I listen to myself I feel like I sound a bit like a whiny teenager, maybe even childish in my plans.

It's a bit embarrassing to admit.

And then, while I was madly cleaning our house yesterday, I stumbled upon OG's book from school--the preschool one that has pictures of her family, her self portrait, her fingerprint, pictures of heaven (a blue blob), and the baby Jesus. I was paging through it, not taking much note of anything extraordinary, until I stumbled upon her last page. A picture of what her family looks like that she drew/painted at the end of the school year, about 4 weeks ago.

Notice, my 4-year-old has complete confidence in what we desire--so much so that her new brother and sister are already a part of our family. See, her new brother is hiding behond a bush (on the left) and her new sister is not shy (on the far right). This picture stops me in my tracks. It brings tears to me eyes. It reminds me to have faith like a child: a beautiful-not-doubting-not-worrying kind of faith. The faith that believes that God said there will be two more in our family.

That's my goal: to be less childish and more child-like with the hopes that as time passes I become more Christ-like.

To end tonight, I want to give to you a gift that God gave us. A music video by Third Day. In it we see a picture of what our family could look like one day, but also a clear visual image of the fact that every single one of us has been adopted by our great God, the one true God.

We are the saints, we are the children,

we've been redeemed, we've been forgiven,

we are the sons & daughters of our God.

The Continuing Journey, and God's Provision

2011-06-20T14:35:00.000-04:00

This past week has certainly been an interesting week. If you know me, you know that I do not handle stress that well and last week was full of it. There were two ear infections, adoption education, homeschool cirriculum fairs, meetings, a quick trip to chicago, bathroom work, and the rest of life as we know it.

And the most stressful thing: Eric & I took a long, hard look at our finances as we continue to refinish our bathroom and pursue this adoption. We are working hard to pay for everything with cash. We don't want to take loans to finance any of this. Knowing this, we realized a hard truth. We will not have enough money to do both of these things.

And this, to me, is a paralyzing realization.

There are things I know about God's provision, things I trust about this call to adopt and following the heart of God. But then, right now, there are many things I don't know about how it is all going to happen. In this past week I was very discouraged. The question I kept (and still keep) asking is: HOW? How will we pay for it all? How will we have the money for our first adoption payment? How will the timing work out? How can we cut our budget to make enough room?

We still don't have answers, but we have seen bits of provision: bathroom cabinetry at a fabulous discount, the gift of swimming lessons for the kids, coming in under budget at the grocery store and farmer's market.

And we will start fundraising. Our first big payment to the adoption agency is $6,000 and we believe it will come due in about 2-3 months. So, to get there we are planning a garage sale (july 8&9--we're accepting donations of your stuff!) and we will have a backyard barbeque/pig roast. I am also working on creating something to sell--produce bags. More on that to come.

To help all of us visualize where we are in the fundraising process, I am going to add a fundraising thermometer to this site, so we can all track God's provision & faithfulness and the deep love of others.

We value your offers to help in any way, and we covet your prayers.

163,000,000-2 = 7

2011-06-02T15:31:00.000-04:00

Today's thoughts are deeply personal, but I need to share them. I may stumble over my words and not have the right words for everything, but I ask that you read with an open heart and try to hear mine.

Right now, as I write this there are an estimated 163 million orphans in the world.

163,000,000 kids without a mom or dad to take care of them.

Think about that for a moment.

They can be found in every single country in the world. The United States, throughout the continent of Africa, in increasing numbers in Asia and the former Soviet bloc countries. In the poor slums in of South and Central America, in foster and group homes in the United States, in orphanages everywhere.

They are orphans for many different reasons. Some reasons have to do with disease: HIV/AIDS, Tuberculosis, Malaria. Some have to do with armed conflicts that have stolen parents from kids who need them. Some have to do with cultural norms that doom a child who is not recognized by his father. Some are because law in a country forbids multiple children. Some are because of poverty, substance abuse, and an inability to parent in the face of great difficulty.

Over the span of many years, God has been breaking my heart: for the broken, for the lonely, for the motherless. Then over this past year, I read the history books of the Old Testament in conjunction with my kid's history studies. What I found was fascinating, challenging, eye-opening. One thing: God cares deeply about the plight of the orphan and the widow. Deeply. And I began to know that it was time to act. To put movement on my feet and action to my hands and act out this love.

Now there are actually a myriad of ways to act for those 163 million orphans. That number of orphans indicates that there are huge, monumental problems that countries, the world, God's church need to address and work together to solve.

But for me and our family: our call to action is to bring two orphans into our home, our family. To be a family that is united by marriage, by birth, and by adoption.

Why? Because God loves me. He took me into his family though I was sitting in a corner dying in my sin.

Eric & I have walked separate journeys to come to this place. I have had to realize that I am called to be a mother, not resigned to it. Obviously, Eric didn't need to go to that place, but we both had to be moved by God to acknowledge his will, his provision, and then to act upon it.

Together, our family has just started a long road. It will probably be a while before we have a referral and even longer to travel to pick up our kids. We have a lot to learn between now and then: lessons about grace and provision, how we parent, how we are as a family, the importance & place each person has in our family and how to balance everything. Oh, don't worry, our eyes are wide open as to the positives and negatives associated with adoption. We have seen both the beautiful and the heart-breaking.

But you know what? We've actually started! And we're excited. And a teeny bit freaked out. Somewhere out there, there are two kids (or one if that's what God wants) that are meant for this family. Crazy to understand and even harder to imagine.

163,000,000-2.

It's not much, but it's a start.

"I will not leave you as orphans, I will come for you."

John 14:18

The Bathroom Update

2011-05-30T22:15:00.000-04:00

Oh, I wish I had more to tell you. Like 'the bathroom is done.'

But alas, at this point almost 2 weeks after a drip of water fell on my head--well, we have almost finished a complete demolition of our bathroom. The only thing left to do on the demo is to remove the floor.

Highlights of the process so far:

On Saturday Eric took a ton of rubble to the dump. A real TON--2,000 pounds of plaster, lathe, paint, tile and mortar. From a 6 x 9 bathroom. Seriously, our house is solidly built. We marvel at the men who built our house in the 1920's--the time and materials it took, the skill needed to do a quality job.
Our friend Terrance came over on Friday night and helped to remove the remaining walls, closet-thing, and the tub. The best part of that night was Eric and T throwing the steel tub off the side of the house while our sweet elderly neighbor watched. There's never a dull moment at the Beuker house!

What's next?
Hopefully we can get the floor up quick--because we really can't do any sort of planning on the room until we talk with our plumber and see how/if we can move things and how much it will cost. I have been told a few times that moving plumbing lines is easy, moving refuse lines is not.

Between now and then?
Well, there is a layer of dust that covers my whole house. So if you're coming over, you will be able to write your name on the top of my piano, window frames, fish tank and mantle.
I'm going to try to ~~refrain from pacing the house, muttering incoherently, and pulling my hair out~~ remain calm. Some days are better than others. This bathroom project is already driving me nuts!

We take any and all volunteers. Anytime.
Really.

It Starts with a Drip of Water

2011-05-18T18:34:00.001-04:00

Sunday morning I was standing in my kitchen making coffee when a couple drips of water fell onto my head.

This not a totally unexpected development in our house. Our plumber had already fixed a leak coming from the soap dish in the shower a couple of times, but had warned us that this would continue to be a problem until we redid the bathroom. Over the course of time our house has settled and caused our bathtub to become un-level. The leak will continue to worsen until we can fix it (by leveling the tub). Personally, any leak that affects two rooms is bad enough already. Add to this the fact that we have some growth on the ceiling that we haven't been able to kill, probably a good deal of rotted, wet wood behind the bathtub tile and that we just don't like the ugly tile floor.

So after a consult with our plumber about the issue, we decided it was just time.

And now our upstairs (and main bathroom) looks like this:

We are demolishing the bathroom all the way back to studs. We are removing the tile walls and floor, plaster walls and ceiling. This bathroom has not been renovated since it was built, so under that floor tile is a layer of cement. The tub is iron--I never knew that tubs were iron. We plan to replace the window and change the plumbing a bit. And hopefully not discover some sort of construction nightmare while doing it all.

Now we have many things to be thankful for:

First, and foremost, we have minimal water damage to the kitchen. In fact, if we really wanted to we could be perfectly content ignoring it. Or slapping a coat of paint on it.
Second, we have a second full bathroom in our house, down in the basement. Until now, Eric had been using it as a storage extension of his woodshop. But today he took the time to clean it up--so I don't feel disgusting using it.
Third, we have a seriously willing worker in Josh. The kid is happy to swing a hammer or a sledge hammer and break tile. He is also enthusiastic. That makes this a bit more enjoyable. But added to that, I am feeling upbeat, maybe even encouraged, despite the onslaught of a major home improvement.
This was not totally unexpected. We had considered doing this earlier but had decided not to because it cost too much. But at least we had thought about it. We had the beginnings of a plan of action in our heads.
Finally, we can and still will use our existing toilet and sink. They are pretty cool and were originally pretty costly. So we're saving those. We can save a bunch of money by doing a lot of work ourselves and we have many friends with a variety of skills.

But this comes at an interesting moment in our family's life. We are answering a call God has put upon our life. We are in the beginning stages of adopting two orphans from Africa. So right now we don't have money to spare for a project like this. We also don't have a great deal of spare time to put into this big a project and we have a deadline--5 weeks to finish major construction.

God is like that though, isn't he? He puts a call on your life and then allows obstacles. I truly believe this is just one of those obstacles, but through it God will shine. He will receive glory. Why? Because we can't do this without his intervention--in terms of time, money, encouragement, friends to help. The combination of factors is far beyond our means.

So the story begins with a drip of water.
It concludes with God receiving glory and praise for his provision, timeliness, and perfection of His plan for our lives.
I can only imagine what he's going to do in the middle.

Simple Living?

2011-04-07T21:12:00.000-04:00

My house is in complete chaos. Our bed is on the floor, pieces of kids furniture are blocking the upstairs hallway and there are piles of books and un-put-away clothes all over.

Why? Because we are heading into a major, 1/3 of the house, home improvement project. We have finally hired someone to sand, stain, and seal the wood floors in three bedrooms, the upstairs hallway, and half of the kitchen. (For which we have to remove every single item from the floor and closets of those rooms and then not use them for 5 days--did I mention that this is going to involve my kitchen too?)

And before we finish the floor, Eric and I have decided to make our terribly ill-planned and not-at-all-suitable closet into one that could actually hold clothes. So, this weekend we're knocking a big hole in the wall of our room.

Now, do you understand why I am living in chaos? Of course you do.

But all this moving and rearranging and cleaning out and putting somewhere else has led me to think more purposefully about Living Simply. Now, I am not talking about that beautiful magazine that teaches us how to make a perfect bed or clean all our bathrooms with vinegar and freshly squeezed lemon juice. I am talking about the stuff that we accumulate, collect, hold onto, and allow to dominate our space without even thinking about it.

I don't even think I truly realize just how much stuff I/we really have in this house. And it is gratuitous. Yesterday I found boxes in our closet that we haven't touched since we moved here and on our bedside tables were easily a dozen books that are never opened nor have any meaning to us. We are surrounded by stuff.

How can one deal with this? I am not sure I have the answer, yet.

I have a hunch that the answer is found not so much in simple living, but in purposeful living. Deliberately choosing what things to have, choosing where to put them, choosing when to get rid of them. I am trusting that as I purge through our belongings, keeping all three pairs of dress pants (because I really like them) becomes less important than making sure I use well the things that I have. I am also trusting that as I cheerfully model being content in having less, I will raise up kids who are not consumed by the desire to acquire more things which truthfully, will rust away and be destroyed.

But until I figure all that out: don't come over, it's a mess. On the other hand, my chaos may just make you feel better about yours. . .

Catchin' Up

2011-04-05T13:09:00.000-04:00

Whew. I think that's what I have to say about the past few months.

It's done. I made it. Deep breath.

And to some out there I owe a few pictures, so here you will find a little slid show highlighting the past two months which included: OG's 4th birthday, a Star Wars Party/Training for a 7 year old boy, a scrapbooking weekend, a new sewing machine, A ballet recital by two dancing ballerinas, a trip to Great Wolf Lodge with Papa & Grandma Beuker, my birthday, lots of pens, and school.

I was thrilled to make it to spring break last week. And after a week and a day of catching up, chillin' out, reading a bit, cleaning a lot, planning ahead I am finally beginning to rid myself of the drowning feeling. I'm almost ready to face the world again.

Anyway, enjoy these pictures. They are from our home to yours with a great deal of love.

S

Create a digital scrapbook

Coming out of the Craft Closet

2011-03-18T13:12:00.000-04:00

So, I just need to admit it to the world.

Although my skills are sorta lacking, I'm a crafty gal.

Meet Jan--she's my new fancy sewing machine!

And how do I know this? Well, I just got a new sewing machine yesterday which I am totally excited about. All I want to do today is cut and sew and create. By the end of the day, i will have stuff for three items cut (and hopefully even pinned). I have fabric for two more dresses for the girls behind these projects. And I am planning a Lego blanket/quilt (but I'm not really a quilter, or so I told Penny who taught me how to use my new machine) for Josh and am even contemplating making a thing or two for me. Two of the things I am making I am doing so without a purchased pattern (which is exciting and a bit nervous--I don't like failing).

Beyond this, I know that I love to layout and scrapbook.

And I love to write. And cook.

So I guess I should admit it--I have a creative piece of me.

But now I need to come to terms with some of my feelings about craftiness, creating, and the people who do it. Some of those things are:

Its okay for things to look handmade. In a world that values perfection and uniformity, some imperfection and quirkiness is needed and acceptable. I shouldn't feel bad about that.
It is okay to create and feel some pride in doing so.
It is okay if my desire to sew and create fills another in the list of stereotypes about homeschoolers. Not all stereotypes are wrong--but if I ever start to make myself a long denim jumper saying that it is both modest and fashionable, please shake some sense into me.
It is okay to instill in my kids a passion for creating, even if they are in "home-arts." K can't wait to learn to sew and I bet that one day J will be cooking quite a bit. And I am wondering who will be the first one to turn their own pen.

Christmas Pajamas

Now that I think about it, our entire family values artistic expression in music, dance, sewing, writing, drawing, wood-turning, and creating. I can only hope that one day I get to hear my kids say: "I grew up in a family of creators. That's where I get it from."

Can we talk about this?

2011-02-15T20:47:00.000-05:00

Really? Can we have an honest, open conversation about food? One that is free from judgement and condemnation? Please?

So here's the issue: lately there have been frequent conversations in our house about food, specifically what meals to make that everyone will eat and enjoy. The kids, well, they are just picky. One doesn't like corn or onions or sweet potatoes or eggs or. . . ( it think you get the point) while the other would eat only bread and cheese if she could. E grew up eating a certain kind of way (let's think of roasts, hot dogs, hamburgers, hamburger helper) and I can only remember eating a lot of fast food when my dad was out of town (like, three wholesome meals a day from McD's, honestly).

So when you combine the constraints of a grocery budget with my medical food issues and people's preferences, well, there are lots of grumbles at the dining room table at dinner time.

And now I need your help. Please.

Tell me what you eat for dinner. Tell me what your family loves, what they ask for seconds of, what nourishes and satisfies you.

Please don't edit your response becuase you feel you might be judged because it's unhealthy. I'm desperate. Because right now the way that I want/need to eat isn't mixing well with what my family will eat.

Ordinary Time

2011-02-13T22:24:00.000-05:00

This weekend my Dad has been in town. And it has been a nice trip from my perspective. Because he got to see us in ordinary time.

Usually, when we see my parents, it's a special event, like Christmas where all five of us travel to Utah to visit them OR it's a special trip where me and one kid fly to Utah. Other times when my Dad is here we plan all sorts of fun things to do. So we are out of routine. Things are fun and special, but not like the everyday.

But not this weekend. Because of the nature of the weekend (Eric's call schedule and OG's birthday) we've spent the weekend hanging out. Really. Just hanging out. Eric worked most of Saturday so it was just me and my Dad and all three Kids being crazy for Papa's attention all day. Books were read, legos were played with, a snow-tunnel was dug in the side yard, pizza & movie night happened.

Like life in normal time.

And today we went to E's parent's house to celebrate my youngest's 4th birthday-and again, we just hung out. Sat around the table and talked, played games, ate too much food.

You know, in everyday, ordinary time.

And it has been good to share this time with him. I hope we can do it again soon.

God is good...All the time

2011-01-30T08:35:00.000-05:00

This has been a hard week. I have had the privilege of walking with many different friends through unexpected struggles in their lives. Encountering sudden loss and grief is never easy and has weighed heavy on my heart this week. I struggle with how to respond as a good friend, knowing that usually all I can offer is prayers and love, but not feeling that it is enough of a response.

So I pray, I talk with my friends, and I try to rest in God's goodness for them (and I offer them food!).

But yesterday, I just had a heavy heart. For most of the day.

In the early evening, I found myself at Meijers all by myself to do our bi-weekly grocery shopping. And it was going really well. It seemed like everything on my list was on sale. Seriously. I jokingly asked God if he went before me and put sale tags on everything that I needed to buy that week.

And then I was in the spice aisle trying to figure out which Paprika to bu (Why did the Organic Paprika look so dull? Was it a different variety?) when I was approached by a tall, dark stranger. He had a rectangular face and a long forehead. He had really white skin and very dark hair and buggy eyes. He must have been in his late teens or early 20's. I figured he was going to ask me some ingredient question (that seems to happen a bit).

Instead, he said, looking straight into my eyes, "Excuse me. I just have this pressing on my heart to tell you that the Lord loves you."

I was floored. Shocked. Incredibly surprised. Flabbergasted. Remarkably blessed.

I thanked him deeply. He had no clue that he just made my day, actually my entire week.

I wished him a great day and we both went on our way shopping. I encountered him a couple other times in other rows (as it often happens at Meijers) and we gave each other warm smiles and kind greetings.

Now, the skeptic in me would try to write this off as a really weird guy who had some radical agenda and was trying to save my soul. But I observed him and his friend and I didn't see them talking to anyone else.

And further, I have learned how to be open to God's leading in my life. And God wanted me to know something. He used this unusual and unexpected way to drill it home to me. He LOVES me. The Lord, Yaweh, Creator God, Healer, Protector, All-Sufficient One. This God, he loves me.

So now I don't really care what his agenda was or how it came to be that buggy-eyed guy actually spoke to me. But I am confident that God used that moment to wrap his arms around me and encourage me, to help me to press on and keep doing what I am doing.

Thanks buggy-eyed guy. Thanks for listening to God's voice. Thanks for sharing it with me.

Yum, food.

2011-01-25T14:43:00.000-05:00

I am always curious about how people eat: what they have for meals and snacks, how they nourish themselves with food.

And now that I live in the food alternate universe, I find that it is bloggers who open their kitchens and show me what's cooking. And then they give me their recipes, which I change and make even tastier.

And in the past couple days I have had such great success that I wanted to share it with the whole world.

Last night, I ate a pot pie, with a buttery, flaky crust on the top and bottom. It was tasty, had a thick gravy, and was completely Gluten (and mostly dairy) free. And it was delicious!

The recipe called for simple ingredients: meat, veggies, sauce. I improved it by using some Thanksgiving turkey leftovers, sweet potatoes and green beans.

Oh. My. Goodness.

I actually had two helpings and didn't leave any bites on my plate. Astonishing.

The only problem is that I didn't take a picture. Maybe next time.

Lunch was great: oatmeal pancakes made with leftover oatmeal that were moist on the outside and a bit crunchy on the outside.

And tonight's menu is equally spectacular: veggie frittata, salad, and a fresh loaf of bread.

Remember, there is always room at the table.

It's just me

2011-01-23T21:47:00.000-05:00

Maybe there is no one else who feels this way. . .

But this weekend, Eric and I traveled to the other side of the state for his Winter work party. It's a pretty fancy shin-dig with pretty decent food (they cooked a fresh GF meal for me!), live entertainment, an open bar, and fantastic door prizes.

This year's party was 1920's themed. On the invitation, they requested 1920's costumes or formal attire.

Now i really love a chance to get dressed up. It's fun to put on fancy clothes and have a night with my husband away from the kids. To have adult conversations and adult food. But as you might imagine, in my life there isn't much need for fancy clothes, so I don't have too many formal dresses just sitting around at my disposal. Shocking, I know.

And my daughter and I were just at a museum exhibition on the late Princess Diana--where they showcased some of her beautiful (and in some cases, especially dated) formal wear.

It made me long to have something new and beautiful to wear to this party. You know, a great little black dress that was flirty and fun and sexy and beautiful. Or a shocking red one or a beautiful blue one. Two nights ago, I spent way too much time searching on-line, hoping to find the perfect dress in my size for $20 or less. I didn't find it.

So when searching in my closet, I had two appropriate dresses, neither of which are especially fancy or rich-looking. I choose the one I loved the most: a simple, vintage 1920's black silk dress I have had since before I had kids. We purchased it off ebay for a murder mystery we were part of. So, I grabbed that dress, my only pair of black heels, and 1920's felt hat. I honestly hoped that I wouldn't look completely out of place amidst the fanciness I was expecting.

Fast forward: leave the kids with Y, drive across the state, step into the elevator to head down to the party. We share the elevator with two couples who are all dressed in period costumes. The women are wearing flapper dresses with long pearls and feathers in their hair. I am beginning to feel stupid in my not-very-fancy dress. We get to the party and see many women wearing versions of the same things: black, white, red flapper dresses, lots of pearls and feathers. And lots of other beautiful dresses on beautiful women. But then I start getting comments on my dress and my hat, how they are obviously vintage & authentic, how I am the only one who could pull off the hat, how great Eric and I look together.

Later as I thought more about it, the dress was a perfect choice. Because then I was who I am to all these people I wanted to put a show on to, because I was real, I was authentic, too. Because I was simply who I am and that felt good; without a fancy costume or feathers or a sexy little black dress.

Even at my age, I find that it is still way too easy to fall into the "what-if-they-don't-like-me" trap or trying to be who others want me to be, instead of who God has created me to be.

And last night, I found great reward in being just who I am.

Reflecting on 2010

2011-01-03T17:58:00.000-05:00

Our new year is already 3 days old! Wow, time sure flies. I know that I am a person who will forget what happened yesterday unless I purposefully try to recall and remember it. Even more so with the year that just passed.

So I am a fan of purposeful reflection.

Last night, along with my small group, I engaged in some reflection on the events, moments, and things of 2010. It was wonderful, not only to spend some time thinking on last year, but also to hear how others saw their year and each of us were changed. We worked from a list of 20 guiding questions, but only got through a few. Below I am going to post some of the best questions and my responses. Maybe you should take some time to think of the answers in your own life. Knowing where we have been and what we have experienced helps us to know who we are right now.

What was the biggest think you learned this past year?
    I learned about food. More than I ever wanted to know: what is in it, how it affects me, what God intended. New ways to think about food, what it means to be nourished and contented, how to shop, prepare, plan, and cook. And there is a lot more I still am working on learning.

What was the best way you used your time this past year?
    Beyond a shadow of a doubt, the time that I spend with my kids is the best way I spend my time. Teaching, talking, playing, learning together, instructing. And even though sometimes I may complain (a bit) I wouldn't give it away or trade it for anything!
What was your single biggest time waster in your life this past year?
   Facebook (that was an easy answer),

In what way(s) did you grow in your relationships with others?
    This one is hard for me to answer, but I would say that learning transparency and honesty in relationships, especially in my small group was a growing for me.

Pick three words to describe 2010.
   Food
   Practicing Contentment

What were the best books you read this year?
     I have read so many (many of which I have forgotten). But the ones that I haven't forgotten:
    Cutting for Stone (Verghese), The Odyssey (Homer, transl. Fagles) and the Old Testament (seriously, I love the OT. And I'm reading it in The Message translation. Fantastic.)

What was the single best thing that happened this past year?    This was a hard one. But if I had to choose only one, it was hearing each of my kids saying ," I love you, Jesus."

Steady Days

2011-01-01T20:59:00.000-05:00

Today has been one of those days.

The kids are tired. We are tired. And when we get tired, we each respond in slightly different ways.

The kids get extra hyper and loud and physical with each other.

I get extra sensitive and reactionary.

As you might imagine, the combination of these two reactions can be a bit explosive.

And tonight it was. I was frustrated beyond all, felt I had no patience in reserve, so I retreated. . .to waste some time on the Internet. And in my skimming I glanced over one of my favorite sites (and a new favorite) which encourage me: not to throw in the towel, to be intentional in my mothering, to be open the fullest so I can love to the fullest, to reflect God's love throughout my home.

Deep Breath.

After I put the kids to bed (a few minutes early, for both their sakes and mine), I was working in my new craft room (yeah, you heard me right!) and I took a minute to look over our family scrapbook. And I remembered that we, Eric and I, we chose this family life. And we choose it again and again and again. We choose the togetherness and the full contact of our lives with each other, we choose to engage in the messy, difficult, sometimes hilarious parts of being a family.

In my childhood, I didn't experience the full range of my parent's emotions at being a parent (huh, maybe I blocked that a bit). So I am surprised by how frustrated I can be, but also by the depth of my love.

And so today was rough. Tonight I will sip a warm mug of chai, sort through more pictures, and perhaps even watch a favorite movie.

And tomorrow morning, I will choose it all again.

I almost missed it.

2010-12-27T20:06:00.000-05:00

But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart. Luke 2:19

This year, I almost missed Christmas. Almost.

I almost let all the pressure surrounding the celebrating of the holiday overshadow the real reason and task of Christmas.

It all began on Wednesday the 22nd when I made a major mistake in each of the kid's Christmas pajamas. I didn't realize what I had done until I finished the waistband on the last of the three pairs of pants. And then came the thought that there was no way I could fix the major error and also finish their pajamas in time for Christmas Eve.

Previously, we had filled the week with friends and visits and fun, so the house was a mess and we hadn't gotten anything done.

The 23rd, we had Christmas with Eric's family. I was lucky enough to make the meal, but work and an unexpected recipe change meant just a little bit more stress trying to accomplish everything.

On Christmas Eve, I spent the morning running around doing a few last minute things. I was totally wound up. So was Eric. The kids were wired and we had too many things to do in too little time. There just wasn't enough time to finish everything that "needed" to be done. Finally at home, I sat by my sewing machine, sewing furiously, trying to finish pajama shirts: my machine was jamming, seams were super crooked and there was supportive stitching showing through and making my errors obvious to my eye. I also was thinking about all the food that I had to make: Treats for Jesus' birthday party, yummy food for Christmas Eve dinner, bread for Christmas breakfast. And then there were presents to wrap, Christmas cards to deliver to my neighbors, the house to clean and . . . .

I think you get the picture. I was completely stressed out.

Suddenly, it hit me. I was totally doing exactly what I didn't want to do with Christmas. I was making all the trappings of the holiday outweigh the weight of the meaning of Christmas. The stuff was more important than the people, than the baby.
And God sent some wonderful, gentle, loving reminders, in the forms of my children to help me remember (again) why God sent his son for us.

I managed to finish (with knowledge that I would later fix a major error) two full pairs of pajamas. And the girls danced around the house wearing them.

All three understand why Jesus came to be born on this earth: that our king had to become a baby to grow up and save us from our sins. To hear them declare their love for Christ moved me in a way that is difficult to describe.

At Jesus' birthday party (This year, He was gracious enough to allow gluten free brownies which we all said were really, really good), OG said probably the cutest thing I have ever heard. "Mommy, Jesus is in my heart, right?" "Yep, OG, he is in your heart." "Jesus is in my heart, so he can't see the brownies right?" During our popcorn prayer, their prayers were simple and moving.

Christmas morning was a great time with our family. The kids were excited to have us open the gifts they gave us, they were patient while waiting for their turn. And they all shared their new stuff.

Then at church, our family lit the Advent candles. Each member had a role: Eric (and Yoli, our adopted member of the family) read, the girls and I lit the candles, and J said the prayer. His confidence and the strength of the words he prayed was beautiful. I was one proud mama, not only for how he acted on stage, but for what he said with such strength.

And I ended the holiday with this thought, over and over:

I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the truth.

And from the real meaning of Christmas, this is the desired outcome. And it gives me great hope and great joy.

Reflections on this Season

2010-12-18T14:39:00.000-05:00

I adore the season of Advent. It has become my favorite time of year.

There are many traditions and doings that make this season wonderful: exchanging gifts, cutting out paper snowflakes, singing Christmas carols, visiting with friends and family. And while those things are special to me, that is not why I love Advent.

Advent has become a time to worship the God who became tiny for me. It is a marvelous, miraculous movement on God's part that I never deserved or earned, yet he still came.

My heart is always full of emotion this time of year. I marvel the courage of a young girl who accepts without question God's call to bear His Son. I remember holding my own babies, noting their weakness and dependence on me and marvel that my Saviour was also so weak. I think more about that girl and how carrying this baby must have changed her, forever. May I be changed by the Spirit's indwelling too.

I worship with shepherds and wise men who saw the baby but knew He was King. They immediately fell on their faces to worship Him. I should do the same.

I think on Joseph who was asked to do the most sacrificial thing in loving Mary and Jesus, who was not his son.

I think of the stable animals and the physical world. Did they know their Creator had come? I believe they did and the animals worshiped. And the angels who couldn't understand why God would send his son to this dirty, broken world to save people who can't even contemplate the true depth of His love for us or His majesty or His glory. But they proclaimed him with voices full of joy and honor and glory.

I am humbled, awed, inspired, and changed as I think up on our great, big, glorious Creator God, the one who knit me together, who threw the stars into the sky, who sent the rhythms of the season to spin, gave up his most precious gift, his son, for dirty, broken, sinful me (and you).

Christ has come!
Emmanuel, God with us.
Rejoice and be changed.

Saying Goodbye

2010-12-01T21:56:00.000-05:00

I have been dreading this moment for months. Officially for 7 months, unofficially, for just about a year.

This afternoon, our family said goodbye to our dearest friends. I said goodbye to my dear friend of many years, Anita and her husband Bryan and their three beautiful kids Elijah, Faith, and Mercy. They're not dying or mortally ill, instead they have been faithful in following the call God has put on their heart to run an orphanage for HIV/AIDS orphans in Maseru, Lesotho, Africa.

The Geurink kids with my kids. From right: Eli [7] Josh [6], Faith & Katie [5], and OG & Mercy [3].

And while the calling is great, the emotions of it suck. Anyone who has ever said goodbye to someone for a long time understands what I am saying.

Thankfully, our final time together (their whole family spent the night at our house last night) was not filled with sorrow and the bitter gnashing of teeth--no, it was filled with sickness, two lost teeth, stitches, and lots of laughter. I really love these friends--that even on this day, it was just life as usual with kids and messes and food and discipline and stories and needs and lots of humor. In fact, as we were saying goodbye, my youngest daughter (also the one who received stitches earlier that day) almost pulled my pants down to my ankles.

But still I am filled with many mixed emotions.
1) I am so proud of my friends. Bryan and Anita, you two have displayed extraordinary courage and grace in the midst of a difficult time of transition and planning. You have always been confident of knowing this was God's will and stood firm behind that. There have been a few nay-sayers (and in the early days, I was probably even one of them), but you have accepted this call knowing full well that God is in charge of your life.

2) I am sad--I will miss these friends dearly. Why these friends more than others? Well, all my friends are precious. But Anita and I met many moons ago across a table at Knollcrest dining hall. We were roommates in college, she a bridesmaid in my wedding, neighbors for four years, I was present for the birth of two of her babies, she present for the birth of two of mine. We have shared family histories, stories, many laughs, and many tears. She is the one who dropped everything and rushed to my side when we had to take OG to the hospital after she fell and hit her head. I was a blubbery mess when I called her and she called her husband home from work and drove from 30 minutes to sit with me in the ER. And both of us acknowledge that is exactly what friends do.

3) I am excited for the adventure this young family gets to go on. Come on, they're moving to Africa. is there anything cooler? More life-changing?

4) I am jealous. God has called them to sell everything and follow him, which they have done faithfully. He hasn't called me to anything like that yet. This time of saying good-bye has also made me come to terms with God's calling in my own life, and being content with whatever it is. Even if I am simply a home-schooling mom in a city.

5) I am concerned with the reality of life in a 3rd world country. They aren't prepared well for such a thing. I pray that God gives them strength for the many bumpy days ahead.

Luckily, regardless, I have great hope. We are united in Christ. Whatever happens I will see her again--whether in a few years as is our family's plan to visit, a few more years when they plan to return stateside, or in heaven as might be God's plan.

As is my prayer for them:

³ I thank my God every time I remember you. ⁴ In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy ⁵ because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, ⁶ being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus (Philippians 1:3-6).

Have safe travels, my friends. You are deeply loved.

P.S. To the rest of you, check out their blog Our Beautiful Mission. If you want to read about what has brought them to this place, click here.

Question of the Hour

2010-11-26T12:44:00.000-05:00

So, here it is, the question of the hour (or week).

Our family is flying to my parents house next weekend. The kids are totally looking forward to the trip.

I have but one worry: the body scanner. Not the invasiveness or even the radiation of it.

But the fact that I wear an underwire bra-and it will set the scanner off which will then make me subject to a "more thorough" pat-down. And I know that they have these scanners at the airport in Salt Lake (not yet here in our medium-sized town airport).

As I see it there are a few ways of handling this:
1) Bra-less (which as a woman who has nursed three children--well, I wouldn't recommend it).
2) Suck it up and spend some cash (which we don't really have right now and that I would wear but 1 time) on a new bra to make the whole security process (with three kids and tons of stuff) bearable.
3) Wear my normal bra and pray I don't get patted down (because that scanner should obviously show that the metal is a thin strip at mid-chest level--oh listening to it that way makes it sound rather suspicious.)

Of all the many parts of travelling with small children and connections and checked luggage, the part that makes me the most anxious is the security check. I guess it's time to get ready.

Thankful

2010-11-25T22:32:00.000-05:00

Today is Thanksgiving and my heart is so full. I am so blessed. So I thought that tonight I would share a simple 10 things I am thankful for. And these aren't in any order.

1) My health. I ate a fantastic dinner tonight. And it was good and healing for me.
2) My sweet husband. He works so hard for our family. He loves me in spite of me. I am thankful God gave me Eric.
3) My three beautiful, creative, energetic, talkative, curious, and intelligent children.
4) I have a warm bed to sleep in, a home to live in, clothes to wear, and food to eat. These things alone are an incredible blessing.
5) My friends. I spent tonight with dear friends whom I treasure. And there are many more who surround me with their love and support.
6) My family--both by blood and by marriage. I love them all.
7) That I have the privilege to homeschool my kids. It is fun to spend this time with them.
8) Eric's job. Yeah, it's sometimes horribly inconvenient and difficult. But it is a blessing to have reliable work that provides for our family. And he's really good at it.
9) The gifts God has given me to be creative: writing, preparing fantastic food, sewing, creating. It is fun to use my brain and create things.
10) My God: He loves me so much he sent his precious Son to die for my sins. Wow! I am amazed. And he shows me his deep love in the world he created, the gifts he has given me, and how he grows me.

Ewwww, Gross

2010-11-06T23:18:00.000-04:00

So, we've lived in our house for 4 years. And ever since the first day we lived here our main floor half bathroom has looked like this:

See that spot on the floor? That stain has been there since we moved in. And our bathroom smelled a little bit funny.

Yeah, it was a bit gross.

So we decided it was time to do something about it. Rip out the toilet and sink and put in a new tile floor.

Simple, Easy, right?

Well, it really wasn't that tough--it was just grosser than we expected. Because this is what we found underneath the toilet.

Super gross! Beyond Disgusting, especially condsidering that we have never had ANY problems with this toilet. But obviously, the people before us did.

So we did a little demolishing. Removed the old sink and the wall behind it to make room for the new plumbing for the new sink. And everyone got in on the act.

So, as of tonight, all the demolition is done and the bathroom shell is clean. There is a spot where the subfloor was so rotted that Eric stepped through it. But the plumber is coming Tuesday and we can start laying tile already later this week.

Stop by next weekend to see how the progress goes!

A Health & Food Update

2010-10-27T22:51:00.001-04:00

Tonight as I was browsing the cookbooks at Schulers, I realized that earlier in the summer I posted a great deal about how I was struggling with my adjusted food choices, but have never really explained what has happened since or how I have faired since then.

I must say, I feel great! Eliminating Gluten from my diet has eliminated every single problem that I went to the doctor for. The constant tiredness, inability to handle stress, constant bloatedness, inability to focus or think, monthly moodiness and anxiety--all of it, gone! And that is really great. And since I cut dairy, my skin has improved, as have my digestive function and occasional sinus issues. Really, except for the fact that I need to make myself go on a run, I haven't felt this good in a really long time (or at least since I can remember).

I had a bit of a set back when for a couple weeks in early fall I ate a bit too much dairy (almost every day ACK!). But I recognized it for what it was, remedied it, and have moved on.

Other than the physical healing, there have been both blessings and struggles. Struggles: Well, it's hard to eat out and so I bear a lot of the burden of creating food that is healthful and nourishing, but on the flip side, we have discovered some great local restaurants that offer GF options. I miss dairy--specifically cheese and creamy things. This new lifestyle is a bit expensive (GF/CF bread is $5 a loaf--Yikes!) Learning a new method of looking at, planning, and preparing food is time consuming and out of my comfort zone. I don't like failing in the kitchen. However these struggles are not nearly as big as the blessings.

God has shown me, beyond measure, that he has good things planned for me, my health, my family, and my life. Food is a gift and He has allowed it to be used to heal my body. Eric has also made some changes and experienced better bodily health too. I have been provided for. I have been incredibly blessed by my family and friends. I have been surrounded by encouragement and gifts of love, food, ideas, and recipes. Most of those gifts came at my low points when I was struggling. I am so grateful.

This new lifestyle has given me a number of opportunities to have conversations about health with people that otherwise I wouldn't. I wish I had more time to plan for and use new recipes and menus, but such is life.

I am blessed beyond measure. I guess I wanted you to know that.

A Quarter out the Window!

2010-10-17T21:55:00.000-04:00

What have we been up to? Well, we just finished our first unit (or quarter) of our homeschool year! Yipee! It has been 9 weeks of school that has covered Ancient Egypt, Creation, The Patriarchs and Israelites in the Wilderness. It has included science experiments, field trips to Art Prize, lots of great books. Oh, and don't forget that we are brought to you by the letters A to Z , the numbers 1-10, and addition and subtraction. It has been a busy few weeks--because we also threw in simultaneous trips to Salt Lake and Chicago, the bulk of canning & preserving season, and TaeKwonDo, ballet, PE, and preschool. Don't forget church and friends and reading and writing too!

Whew.

And now we get a week off! (yep, that's the advantage of starting school in mid-August. I planned in a full week break, for all of us!) Okay--so we're going to read some good books and hopefully do a fun art project or two and maybe watch some educational tv or computer games. Education is not all out the window--we are going pumpkin picking tomorrow!

I know that you are more curious, however, about the things that I learned during these first nine weeks. So I will share a couple things.
1) Planning ahead for the whole quarter made school enjoyable and profitable for all of us. (Another reason for the week off--I have to plan next quarter, and clean the house).
2) K is in need of a more rigorous plan and J needs me to add in some spelling. Check.
3) God is an amazing God--he set up everything the Israelites needed to know to live as a set-apart culture in his Law, yet they ignored and whined at him every chance they got. Reading the first five books of the Bible has been enlightening (I love Leviticus!).
4) My kids make pretty good Challah. And Eric can play the shofar. Who knew?
5) I really like this home school stuff.

And now, for your viewing pleasure: Our first quarter in pictures!
Blessings.

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It's Farmer Market Season

2010-08-27T12:23:00.000-04:00

So if you know me, you know I love food. I am passionate for good, wholesome, tasty, beautiful food. And now Eric and I have committed to buy more of our food locally. So that meant a family morning at the Farmer's Market. With grocery budget in hand, we went with five grocery bags (one of which we left in the van) and two boxes for some bulk produce I am putting up for winter. As always the Farmer's Market is an overwhelming feast for the senses. There are booths with produce, dairy, baked goods, coffee, and a few handmade crafters. So much to choose from, such a limited budget. But after an hour of walking up and down the aisle, we came home with bulging bags and aching arms with food for our family for the next two weeks. (Yeah, I grocery shop once for two weeks--sometimes that leads to some interesting meals right before payday. But for the next few days, we feast!)

And what we bought was so beautiful and smelled so great, that I wanted to share it with you--to inspire you to use these foods while they are in season, to encourage you to buy some extra to freeze or dry or can for winter, or just to visit your local farmers market. What follows is a list (with pictures of most everything we bought!). Please bear in mind that some of this food is to be stored up for winter--that is part of why there is so much. But also, we like to eat good food.

Vegetables:

Red Peppers, Yellow Peppers, Green Peppers, Jalapeno Peppers and a cutie called the Creamsicle Pepper

Carrots

Red Onions & Garlic

Celery

Mixed Heirloom Tomatoes

Baby Eggplant (I want to make Ratatouille, but know i have to keep the eggplant to a minimum).

Swiss Chard (never tried it, but giving it a shot)
Red potatoes and Yukon gold potatoes (still with the dirt on them)
Cucumbers

Green Beans

Broccoli

And the first pie pumpkin of the season

Fruit:

Blueberries & Raspberries

Personal Cantaloupe

Watermelon

Peaches & Nectarines

Apples (the first of the season here in Mi!) & Pears

Plums

To Preserve:
1/2 bushel basket each of Peaches, Globe Tomatoes, & Roma Tomatoes

Meats:
Turkey Tenderloin
A Whole Chicken Cut up

Miscellaneous:
Fresh Locally Roasted Whole Bean Coffee
Cinnamon Bread
Gluten-Free Granola

Oh, and Eric bought a little handmade card holder and each of the girls got a little bouquet of flowers for $1. Super cute.

The eating is good at my house. And friends are always welcome.

School's in session

2010-08-24T14:36:00.000-04:00

Yep, it's the 2nd week of school.

And time for the dreaded class pictures.

Except, these class pics were taken on the front steps after a fun walk around the block.

Really, I do say homeschooling is great.

So here is the entire roster for the 2010-2011 school year.

In first grade, Joshua

In Kindergarten, Katie.

In Preschool, Olivia

And now the obligatory group picture:

And lastly, because I promised them they could take my picture if I took theirs,

Teacher, Mom: Sammy.

500,000,000 Eggs

2010-08-23T20:59:00.000-04:00

That is the number of eggs being recalled because of a salmonella outbreak linked back to two major chicken farms in Iowa. 500 million (or half a billion) is a lot of eggs. Haven't heard yet? Well, you can read about it here.

Usually, I just run by recalls like this. I feel like I am blessed enough to avoid food poisoning and well, why would I want to panic because of a couple of bad eggs? But 500,000,000 is a lot of eggs, and we put eggs into everything--breakfast foods, baked goods, dinners. Our family eats a lot of eggs. I don't want us to get sick. Maybe this time I should pay attention.

Oh, but wait. I can breath a huge sigh of relief. Because every other week I get my eggs from a local farmer. His "girls" have access to dirt and grubs. I don't fear an outbreak of illness from my eggs.

Or my honey or beef products or much of my produce.

And this is why I eat and promote and preserve and purchase local food. Because not only does it taste better and is often raised in better conditions, but because I have a relationship with the farmer and the land that produced them.

That makes everything taste better.

Especially my eggs tomorrow morning.

An Update

2010-08-22T22:09:00.000-04:00

So, I must admit that I think life is pretty grand right now. By and large I feel better (although I am super tired from a couple intense weeks of Eric's job) and have learned how to eat, again. But I have energy again--and because of that I also have thoughts, have been able to keep my house clean, and have been beginning to be challenged again. I really do like feeling better.

These past weeks have been challenging as I have been thinking a great deal about many things. Often I want to share them with the world, but I find that I run out of time at the end of each day to share them with you. So instead of giving you a long play-by-play of my many (mostly incomplete) thoughts, I thought I would give you a brief synopsis (followed by a summer picture recap, just to keep you interested to get to the end of this post).

Hang on to your hats:

Food: Now, really, are you surprised? But beyond thinking about my new food life, I have also read and re-read some influential food books in my life (and now also watched Food, Inc--a eye-opening documentary). So now my thoughts about food are more about where it comes from and what goes into it and how i can better feed my family, along with my restrictions. We have definitely had some interesting meals this summer.

School: Yep, we started our 2nd year of homeschooling last week. This year I have a first grader, kindergartner and a pre-schooler--all of whom love school. In fact, their biggest complaint is often that I don't have enough for them to do. So, I am working on that for them. In thinking about school I alternate between being very confident we have made the right choice for our family to totally questioning my ability or the wisdom in doing this at all. But I think that's normal.

Mission & ministry: Our church is in a time of transition where our pastor of 30 years retired in late spring. So we have started down the path of calling a new pastor. Wisely, while on this journey, there has been a lot of time spent on reflection as to who we are and who God is calling our church to be. So I have been thinking about that--and trying to figure out what role/responsibility/calling I have to be involved in that mission. If we are a multi-cultural, community-centered, growing in knowledge church, what is my role? How am I sharing Christ's love?

Friends: I have been incredibly blessed by such an assortment of people in my life. From the outpouring of love I have felt (in the form of fresh veggies, recipes, links to blogs, even baked goodies or an afternoon margarita on the lawn), God has put some incredible people in my path. But also, I marvel at the different kinds of relationships I have: a dear friend from my growing up who holds a treasured spot in my heart, girl-friends from college who listen to me (even when I talk to much!), a wonderful (and growing) group of friends in my neighborhood, wise women of faith from my church who guide me and walk with me in this life, a phenomenal small group of varied peoples, backgrounds, and experiences in which we all seek to know Christ and serve him fully. I am truly a blessed woman.

Wow this is longer than I thought it would be. So, I'll wrap up, but also let you know that I have had many other thoughts on true health, God's calling in my life, my extended family, my kids & my marriage, and how to keep a clean house (although I still haven't figured that one out yet--I'll take any hints that you have to offer.)

Now, as promised, pictures from our summer:

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Struggling

2010-07-10T18:44:00.000-04:00

Yep, I think that's a fair way to describe whats happening right now. I'm simply struggling.

I am profoundly touched and grateful for the many of you who have given me support in a number of ways. It is so wonderful to know that I am thought of and cared for.

One brief comment on all this: this s%6ks. I am "detoxing" right now and feel crappy. For going on, about two weeks. I am ready to feel good. But I don't. The fact that I feel this bad is a clear signal that gluten is an issue for me, but the question I ask myself is "Is this crappy worse than my other crappy? Is this worth it?" Those are the questions of the person in the middle of it.

One philosophical discussion I have been having with myself is this: God created wheat--it is a gift of life he gave humanity at the beginning of creation. There has always been a form of wheat. Peoples have always combined it with water and salt and yeast to make bread. This is a staple of life. Now, our culture is so inundated with elements of that wheat, that gift, that my body is rejecting it and it makes me unwell. What have we done with the created gifts God gave us? What have we done to our food? I, for one, have been repenting for this, because even if I am not directly guilty of the sin of greed that has distorted our food and food chain, I have not been part of the solution.

My other major struggle is this: I now have a Modern & Western Affliction. Yep--although the incidences of gluten intolerance are rising all over the world, it is predominantly an affliction found in Western Europe and North America. And it was completely unheard of 30 years ago. When I told my Dad, he had never heard of it before. Although I have tried to live a life that is not marked by Western diet, I have succumbed to one of its diseases.

Where does this leave me? Thinking a lot about food, about what I put into my body, what goes into my kids. And figuring out a way to live with grace and dignity, even when I feel crappy.

I "heart" Food

2010-07-04T11:56:00.000-04:00

So, I can admit it. I love food--I love fresh ingredients, I love interesting combinations of taste and flavor, I love preparing a home-cooked meal for friends or family, I love eating a tasty meal or treat. I love food.

I especially love cheese. And pastry. And a really great salad with homemade buttermilk ranch dressing.

But now all my perspectives on food are being forced to change. And I am not having a particularly easy time with that.

Essentially, my dr. has ordered some massive dietary changes which are most likely lifetime changes. Why? Well, although no one can really see it, there are some internal system, off-balance, hormonal issues going on in me and I don't want the consequences of those things. Changing my diet is one way to combat both the problems and the symptoms. So, I will do that, as well as take the prescribed supplements (which i have been doing pretty good at)

What are the changes? First, I am casein-free. Casein is the protein that is in dairy products like milk, ice cream, yogurt and cheese. Honestly, I have avoided most of those products for a long time. Ice cream and milk don't make me feel very good. But, my Dr. said, if I cut all of them out for a few months (think 4 months) I should be able to reintroduce cheeses, particularly hard cheeses and goat cheese. Yum. Thinking about that light at the end of the tunnel actually causes me to hope. So, for now I learn to live with out cheese and sour cream. I have been using soy as a replacement for my milk and yogurt. And I just discovered coconut ice cream. I can't wait to try that!

The second change, which is more likely a lifetime ban, is on gluten. Gluten is the protein found in wheat, rye, and barley that makes bread springy and glues it together. Usually, when I make a loaf of fresh bread, I add gluten to give it the soft texture we all love. Except that gluten exacerbates the times when I am already tired, or irritable or PMS-ing. Reading the current literature on this, it seems that we have so inundated ourselves with so much gluten (because it is in everything!) that for many people, there is a growing intolerance . Statistically, doctors and scientists estimate about 1 in 130 people have some sort of intolerance to gluten. Many will never know, most everyone can benefit from reducing their gluten intake. And it is hereditary.

So a ban on gluten includes some of the things I would expect--anything made out of wheat--bread, buns, pastry, cookies, baked goods. But also some things that you wouldn't expect--beer or malt liquor, pasta, most mass-produced foods (like french fries), and breaded chicken, some meats, a lot of vegetarian meat replacements, and a lot of sauces like soy sauce or babebeque sauce or salad dressing.

One dietary change would be manageable for me. I feel as if I only had to deal with one of these two changes, I would be okay. But trying to deal with both at the same time is pretty hard.

This has been a tough week for me. First trying to wrap my head around the enormity of the lifestyle change is depressing. I have been mourning food. Sounds a bit silly, doesn't it? But food has an emotional and social role in all our lives and in my life, that has to change or I remain unwell. Here's an example: sometimes after a long day, Eric and I will share an order of dessert from a local restaurant and eat it on our couch while sharing some wine. We can't do that anymore because this dessert is made out of bread and the others on the menu all have cream or cheese on them. This makes both of us sad.

So I have a lot of learning to do: learning to read every label of everything I buy, learning what is okay and what is not okay, learning to say no to something that would be so tasty but not feel good, learning to cook again with new and unfamiliar ingredients, learning what those ingredients are, learning to shop and budget differently.

As I walk this journey, you should know two things: first, I know I will be okay--these tough times will pass, I will adjust and ultimately I will feel great. I know that. But this time will be tough. Thanks for bearing with me.
Second, as people who love me, don't feel bad--for you or for me. I am happy that you can eat food that nourished your spirit and fills your belly. Your prayers and encouragement are what I need. If you have a great recipe, feel free to send it my way.

And in four months, we're having a cheese party!

Pow-Wow

2010-06-27T13:45:00.000-04:00

This has been a crazy week, full of many activities (including a family wedding). But I didn't want to neglect to report back on the Pow-wow that I attended with the kids as part of the WCRC this past Tuesday at a park downtown.

I was super excited to show my kids this part of our national heritage--which is often portrayed in one way that is far from the truth. To show them the pageantry and beauty and faith that is inherent in native culture among native peoples. There is a beautiful understanding of Creator God that has been paired with a knowledge of Jesus' salvific work and the ever present Spirit that is central to life as a Native person. In Utah where I grew up, there were often displays of the cultural heritage of that place. Every summer, our family traveled to a festival of sorts where we would see renderings and depictions of that life. These sorts of things are not as openly a part of the heritage here in the Midwest, although still an integral part of the development and history of the area.

The ceremony was on a hot Tuesday afternoon--all the 1,000 delegates were in attendance, as well as member of the 4Tribes and the community. It was a hot, bright sunshine-y afternoon. First there was a worship service. We sang in Amazing Grace in Cree, we "Got up & Danced" with the Holy Spirit, we listened to praise and worship that was not in my language. The stories that are told with drum and voice are both varied and unique, although it is hard to imagine that it can truly be that way.

We listened to a sermon. And I was bothered by it. Because as I listened, I heard anger--a lot of it. At the church for failing the native peoples of this land (which it did), for people for standing by abuses and stereotypes (which we do), for a lack of desire of the current church to engage or minister to and with the native peoples that are among us, for a lack of compassion (which is evident). I am still bothered by the anger that I heard. Not only as a white woman whose people came and stole land and am guilty of all that I was accused of, but also because the anger was not appropriate to the unity of the situation. But I feel that perhaps that anger was not out of place because she was simply pronouncing truth, and this was a truth that condemned some. And her truth reflected what has been experienced by those she loves and her ancestors. Again, I have been changed, and not in an expected way.

I guess God shows up everywhere, doesn't he.

It was remarkable to see how many of the ceremonies of the Native Americans truly embody our One God: that the Holy Spirit is acknowledged as present and active--in the drumming, in the dancing, in the fellowship.

One cool thing about this whole experience is that unlike other pow-wows, the dance circles were open to everyone. They were "Inter-tribal dances" which allowed any person at any time to join in the circle and dance. So we did. The girls and I--but it was also hot and crowded in the circle. But during that time we met two girls from Indonesia, a woman from the Netherlands, and blessed by smoke (symbolising the presence of the Holy Spirit). (Man, I really did have compassion on those people who were wearing native costumes--they were heavy and hot in that blazing sun.) J really enjoyed watching the drummers (the lead drum had just been award the 1st place prize in "Pow-wow Idol" meaning that they were the best drum team in the nation.)

I am glad that I got to share this with my kids. I am even more glad that it had a natural rhythm--that there wasn't entertainment in every moment, so it gave my kids an opportunity to be kids--lay in the grass, roll down the hill, meet a new friend, observe the people around us from all around the world.

And at the end of the event, as we were getting ready to leave, the kids found the fountain to play in. That makes everything great.

A Little Piece of Heaven

2010-06-21T12:53:00.002-04:00

What can I possibly say about these past few days? A lot, but words are not quite what I want them to be. They don't express how awesome this reality that I have been living in is. I'm pretty sure I can't fully express these past three days, but I will try. Honestly, it will probably sound like rambling.

On Friday, Saturday and Sunday, I have volunteered at the World Communion of Reformed Churches. My job has simply been to be hospitable and kind to the many visitors who are here from around the world. Although my work has been limited (a total of 12 hours), my life has been changed.

For me there is such joy in watching people of faith from around the world live as one body. That's what a lot of this was for me: observing interactions, allowing freedom to interact. On Saturday I watched a world cup match (Ghana v. Australia) with people from those countries. One group reserved, the other not so reserved. It was joy for me. I have built three small relationships (small to them, perhaps, life changing to me) with a woman from Hungary who is a pastor's wife to a Hungarian congregation in Allen Park, Michigan, a pastor from Guyana (that's at the northern border of South America)--Winnie is wonderful! , and a pastor, Tial, from Myanmar. To learn about their countries and lives through conversation and questions is an honor for me (and something that I have always found easy to do). I have learned I have a place to stay if I ever visit Guyana and where to visit if I have the privilege of traveling to Myanmar. I have met and had brief encounters with men and women from Switzerland, Kenya, Kiribati, Canada, United States, Korea, and France.

I have seen (if only in brief form) the work and struggles of the world church--and I am humbled by them. Within minutes of conversations with different peoples, major issues are brought up: the environment, food and hunger, woman's equality, and economic justice. I can no longer live here without thinking of "there" Pastor Winnie asked me what happens to the extra food at the opening reception. I answered truthfully (but sheepishly) that it was thrown away. And she mentioned that she had people in her church who needed that food. Yet, here I live in the midst of such excess.

The delegates at the conference are doing very hard, emotional, tedious work. There has been much discussion about the equality of women as represented by the churches who are part of this world body. Initially I thought "what's the big deal?" But I have since learned, that there are churches and countries where women are not important, celebrated or respected. They have neither rights nor representation. And although this is not on my radar, as a member of Christ's body, unified by his blood, it should be. For even if I cannot act upon the things that I know, at least I can live with a grateful awareness.

And then there was worship.

Oh the worship! How can I possibly describe it? A taste of heaven, perhaps, but those words seem so inadequate.

There is something beautiful and holy about 3000 gathered together to worship our God, to honor Christ with communion, to welcome the Holy Spirit. I am emotional just thinking about it. 3,000 people singing "Hallelujah" or "Praise to the Lord" in their mother tongue. People diverse and distinct unified together by our Salvation, being challenged to go forward and be unified, to do justice, to show God's light to this world. Hearing God's word and knowing it is true for all of us. Seeing the children of delegates and knowing that we build these bonds of unity for our own children--that they might know that God works in many wonderful and mysterious ways in many parts of the world, in the old and the young. I can hear the trumpets and drums and choral voices--as hints of the glory to come. I see dancing and raised hands and singing and clapping. God was present, and I believe God was honored.

There is still more to come. God has been using many things in my life to hone my thinking on what it means to live as a member of his world church. I am eager for tomorrow when I take my kids to the Pow-wow downtown (and hopefully take pictures and be part of the dance circle). I am hopeful they meet some of my new friends.

On Sunday, about 20 delegates from the conference attended church with us at Oakdale. I was able to bring a special greeting to certain delegates from the island nation of Kiribati (which was an honor for them to receive). I shook every person's hand and truly welcomed them. But what impressed me the most is when I sat down, J whispered in my ear, "Mommy, I shook one of their hands and said hello."

There is a part of me that thinks that that is what all this is for. To teach my kids that they are part of a larger body, that they are part of the world church, that God loves them and they can give that to others. And if in all my volunteering that is what they learn, God will receive honor and I will be a proud mommy.

2010-06-17T14:16:00.002-04:00

After this I looked and there before me was a great multitude no one could count, from every nation, people, tribe, and language, standing before the throne and in front of the Lamb. They were wearing white robes and holding palm branches in their hands. And the cried out in a loud voice, "Salvation belongs to our God, and to the Lamb who sits on the throne."

And that's what I'm doing this weekend. Nope, I am not predicting my own death or even Christ's second coming. I am spending the weekend worshipping Creator God with a great multitude. From around the world.

And I am SO excited.

What's going on? Well, two ecumenical bodies who represent Reformed churches around the world are dissolving and merging to create on representative body of Reformed peoples. The Reformed Ecumenical Council (REC) represents 75 national church bodies around the world and the World Alliance of Reformed Churches (WARC) represents about 200 national church bodies. Joining to make the World Communion of Reformed Churches, this body will represent 80 million Christians world-wide. From every continent (well, except Antarctica) and many nations.

(Want to learn more? Check out the website for specifics.http://www.reformedchurches.org/index.html)

The meeting to both dissolve the two previous bodies and join together a new group is taking place here this weekend. And I get to be a part of it. Nope, I don't have any official role--I'm not a delegate or steward. I am a volunteer. And in this capacity I get to meet people from around the world: show them my college (where everything is taking place), my town, my church, and my family. About 1,000 people are arriving from around the world: Latvia, Uganda, Malawi, Indonesia.

Two highlights everyone should know about (and kick themselves if they live here and can't find a way to experience this). First, Sunday at 4 p.m. is an ecumenical worship service at which over 6,000 people are expected to worship our one God! 6,000 people unified in worship, 6,000 people singing praises to our Holy God. The Holy Spirit poured out on all of us. A mess of languages, peoples, nations, and tribes worshipping together. A true glimpse of heaven. I won't miss this opportunity.

Second, on Tuesday afternoon/evening there will be a Pow-wow downtown where people from around the world will experience our land's cultural heritage. The Pow-wow will be attended by Native Americans and First People's from both the US and Canada. There will be a drum-line and dance circle. I am attending as both a volunteer and a parent. I get to show my kids that God works all around the world--they get to meet people from everywhere, experience God's spirit, and show them part of our nation's heritage.

Yeah, some of this has been inconvenient for my family--I am paying for childcare for some of my volunteering and Eric is giving up golf to volunteer with me on Father's Day. But I wouldn't miss this for the world.

The world is coming here.
And I am going to meet it.
Praise be to God!

Pursuing a dream

2010-06-03T12:15:00.003-04:00

So I hereby publicly declare that I am pursuing my dream.

Sort of.

For my entire life I have dreamed of being a published writer. Actually, to be specific, I dreamed I was such an excellent writer who had such mastery of words that I was awarded the Pulitzer Prize.

Now, I just dream that I can complete a piece of writing.

But to that end, I am actually doing something about it. I am now meeting regularly with a woman who is interested in writing and words. Every time we meet we will each have something written to share with the other for critique, enjoyment and ideas.

It is fun yet scary to think about having someone critically read my writing. Honestly, I think, "what if my writing really stinks--'cause in my head I think it might be the beginning of something good."

To practice my writing skills, I have actually started writing. Because in the end, I can talk about how i love to write all I want, but it is the act of putting pen to paper and letting the words flow that makes me a writer. I try to write every week. Sometimes it's great, sometimes its horrible. But at least I try to write.

But here comes my problem. I don't know what to write about. If left to my own too long, I always come back to two topics (which while they are worthy topics, they don't always have to be my focus in my writing): parenting (both that I am doing and that I experienced) and faith. And usually, it is the intersection of those two things.

So I would like to ask you, dear reader, have you a brilliant glimmer for me? Some inspiration? Some fantastic thing I should write about? Ultimately I know any writing will have to come from my head, but I don't mind gleaning any ideas I can (isn't that what Ruth did to survive in a difficult time?)

Reflections

2010-05-28T08:36:00.006-04:00

Wow! It sure has been a long time since a last post, but life has definitely not been quiet. It has been a busy few months--full of school and family and drama and parenting.

But today is a milestone. Today will be J's last day of school for Kindergarten. I can't believe we did it! We have successfully completed our first year of homeschooling. And no one killed anyone! And we still really like each other! Amazing! (not really, but some might think so!)

So as one should whenever ending a major task and looking forward to a new one, I have been doing some reflecting--on what worked, what didn't, what was good, and what was not so good. And because I am a writer, I am writing it down to share with you.

First let me share with you some of our highlights:

This year we followed the drinking gourd (and learned there are certain ways not to treat people), we made our own homemade napkins (including dying, hemming, and decorating). We spent a week in Florida learning about the beach! J learned to read (and is a voracious reader) and K is not too far behind. We have marvelled at how the ant does his work (without anyone telling him how or when to do it) and watched the seasons change from winter into spring. We celebrated four out of five birthdays (the last one is in a week) and lost a first tooth.

Also, as a mom, I have learned when I have had enough, how to ensure I get time for myself, and learned to define what is restful for me (as clarification, going to the grocery store without kids is not restful!).

1) Homeschooling was and is really hard work. But it wasn't ever the teaching that was tough. It was using so much energy to focus on school yet still having to done mundane things like wash the dishes and fold the laundry. It was wanting to shut down from the kids after we were done with school so I could have a little break.

2) I am not an organizational goddess. Not even close. Part of the big challenge of this year was learning where and how to keep stuff. Lots of stuff--from books to teaching tools & manipulatives to many, many "art" projects. In January, I had an organizational meltdown and invested in some shelves that have helped tremendously. But in this coming year, we are adding a new Kindergartner (K) so that means more books, more paper, more things to do. I think some more organization will be needed in the next few months.

3)In many ways, school this year was more about character refinement than academic skills. There was learning to communicate and obey, learning how to appropriately express anger and disgust, how to walk away from a troublesome situation. And so as I look towards the summer and next fall the question I am asking myself is "What do we need to work on? How can we each be better reflections of Christ to our world? How can my young children impact this place?"

4) I loved Five in a row for its access to great books, but I have a sponge for a student who came to abhor reading a story for five days in a row. That has played a big part in choosing next year's curriculum. I am really looking forward to learning about the ancient world with my kids next year: Egypt, Rome, Greece, Mesopotamia, biblical history! Yipee! It makes me all goose-bumpily just thinking about it.

5) I have come to accept that I am a creative person. I love to write, brainstorm, diverge, and create. However, when it comes to schooling, I do so much better if I have a plan in front of me--a comprehensive guide of what books to read and how to cover a topic--then I can diverge. But I need a goal. This realization alone has been incredibly instructive in this past year.

6) Most importantly, I have loved this year. I have loved learning and exploring with my kids. I have loved spending time with them and watching them become excited about this world that God has created for us. Our adventures to the Calvin Nature Preserve, Meijer Gardens, and other places are great times for their curiosity and questions to come out. We have learned so much. About everything. About what it means to be a family, about what things are important to us, about learning to communicate clearly with one another, about how to work together. It has been a wonderful year.

I can't wait for next fall!

QUITTER!

2010-01-21T09:44:00.003-05:00

Yep, we quit--like over the weekend, on Eric's birthday on Saturday. Threw the whole thing out the window.

It was a huge relief--but now I kinda miss it. Go figure!

Going into this diet cleanse, we knew we would run into Eric's birthday. We had made plans to adjust a little for the day. But when we got there, I was still sick enough, that neither of us really wanted to deal with it anymore.

And while I am glad that we are not functioning until severe restrictions anymore and that does give quite a bit more breathing (and eating) room, we miss it. Does this make sense? We miss how healthy and clean we felt, we miss meals full of vegetables and fruits, I actually miss gluten free bread (The good stuff is really yummy!).

In many ways, I learned a great deal about my body and how it reacts to food. I learned that dairy and I, while I still can eat it without great discomfort, are not going to be best buds anymore. I will miss you, cheese! I learned that good food takes a lot of work and thought, but at the same time, it is enjoyed so much more for that extra work. I also learned that we eat way too much of the bad stuff without even realizing its the bad stuff, how we sabotage ourselves from good health by making seemingly "healthy" choices.

Some of the changes we made are going to stick around in some form for our family. We are going to eat a more heavily plant based diet. Don't get me wrong, I still like meat, but I think we will try to stick with meat that we know where it is processed. For this time that means, using up the rest of the cow that is processed and packaged in my freezer. I am going to cut down on gluten in our home by using low gluten & other kind of flours, relying more heavily on other grains and trying to cut a dependence on bread. Also, I am going to try to further reduce the amount of dairy we use, although not cut it out completely.

If someone were to ask if they should try this--I would tell them to go for it, but be prepared to work, to recognize the value of your food, and to be frustrated by how much stuff is in the "easy" food that we buy and consume every day. We felt great (until I got sick) and I think I would be willing to try this again--in the height of harvest season, where fresh everything is abundant. Mmmm, now that would be yummy!

Detox

2010-01-13T22:24:00.002-05:00

Okay, so we are more than a week into this and I am also almost a full week into being sick. Hmmm, unfortunate coincidence or connected somehow? It has been suggested to me that possibly this sick stuff has a direct connection to this diet cleanse. But honestly, i am not sure. One thing I can say about this sick stuff is that I do not recall being this sick and for this long since I had pneumonia when I was in college. Is this related to my food? I don't know. I have people who are incredibly knowledgeable in the realm of health-eating telling me that this is a normal reaction that my body is having and when I come out of it, I will feel wonderful. Apparently, my body is pushing out years of toxins that have built up in my fat and this sickness is a result of that. So, as the toxins leave my body, i will feel better than I have in a long, long time.

Is it true? Again, I don't know. But I do have these two questions to accompany this line of thinking. First, why in the world am I this sick and Eric is less sick? I maintain a pretty healthy diet. Meat is not my mainstay (dairy and bread may be). I don't eat a ton of drive through. Beans, vegetables, and whole grains are a normal part of my everyday diet. Why would my body react this way when others around me eat the same or worse and they aren't? Is this a combination of a flu bug and a cleansing body? This to me seems most likely.

But that leads me to my second question: If my body is really rejecting something in my system, how in the world am i going to know what it is when I have rid myself of so much to begin with? How do I choose if it is the meat, dairy, gluten, sugar, or caffeine? (Okay, to be honest, I can probably rule out sugar and caffeine as the culprits, but the point still remains.)

And finally, I cannot find a single reputable site that lends any credibility or gives me any answers. Sure, I can find info on sites that are selling colon cleanse products, but I am not sure that they are 100% trustworthy. Maybe someone, somewhere can shed some light on this for me.

Oh well, until the time when I gain complete clarity or I become well enough not to need the answers any more, I am going to bed--after I take some meds to keep this cough from keeping me up all night! Good night.

Respect

2010-01-10T18:43:00.004-05:00

If this journey is teaching us anything, it is that people who have genuine food issues/preferences have a difficult time of it. To buy the specialized foods requires a specialized store; to order out requires restaurants that are cognizant of eating issues. So far, we have purchased prepared food from two establishments: a pizza place that offered vegan toppings and gluten free crusts. The kids had a fantastic veggie pizza (with real cheese) on a tasty gluten-free crust. Eric and and I had an 'interesting' pizza topped with bright green and fresh salad (which in all honesty, I did not enjoy that much!). And then the other night, we went out for a date dinner (with a buy one/get one coupon) and had fresh Tex-Mex with no issues at all. So to those of you who have real issues with food, you have earned our respect as you navigate a world that doesn't always accommodate a serious need. (But on the other hand, I am almost positive that you are healthier because of it and you have more money!)

But what we are finding is that this seriously restrictive plan is almost impossible with the kids. The thing we have run into most is eggs. Meaning, if you want any sort of baked product, it probably has eggs in it. Now I know there are egg substitutes, but in my mind they aren't worth it. So instead we add eggs to our gluten-free bread and pizza crust (and to tonight's bread pudding). That is our one family-friendly accommodation to this diet.

On one final note, Eric has been feeling much better, in fact we both are in better moods and have noticed each other laughing more. Also, I am noticing that I have a clearer thought process. Before I was always foggy and scattered. This week I have been able to focus more, have more energy, and consequently get more done. Many things have fallen into line this week.

The downside: I am now officially sick. And a gluten-free, vegan, caffeine free, and sugar free diet (although tasty) is not comforting to me. A mug of hot chocolate, toast with cinnamon and sugar: those are comfort foods to me. I have done my best. I have not caved in and opened that can of Campbell's Chicken Noodle Soup (although the salty broth sounds wonderful!) But I have had some hot chocolate. And this morning I was given a coffee drink as a treat (and honestly, it made me feel more sick. . .hmmm). I have had a hard time staying motivated because this cooking is not easy or familiar to me--and hard is hard when you don't feel well.

1 week down, 2 to go.

Day 3--Hmmmm?

2010-01-06T21:26:00.003-05:00

Could this be working? Could this change in eating really be changing me already? I think the answer is yes, but I am also hesitant to give too much credit yet--there are still 2 1/2 weeks left on this journey. But at this point, I can say I feel good. It is 9:30 p.m. and while I am tired and ready for bed, I am not dog tired--I can still think. This is an improvement.

But I didn't feel good this morning. Again, I just wanted a cup of coffee and to sit and read for a little bit. So yep, I cheated a bit this morning and with my cup of decaf hazelnut coffee I had a half-spoon of sugar and some milk. It was heavenly. I think I drank the whole thing. Soy milk and agave nectar just don't cut it in a cup of coffee. But if that is my "cheat", so be it.

Yet, the proof is in the pudding and it is still too early to give a whole-hearted thumbs up or down.

Let me share what I love about this plan. I have great meals planned--I have loved the pizza for lunch and the black bean tacos with spanish rice, guacamole, corn-mango salsa, and fajita veggies for dinner. Yum!

What I haven't loved: the fact that I have to prepare everything--breakfast, lunch, snacks and dinner, and do the dishes for all that preparation. I feel like my dishwasher has been running non-stop. I know that I could go and buy appropriate snacks, but the $ value is way too much, especially for the number of servings I would get for it. It is stressful to think about this too much. But hopefully tomorrow, I will find time to prep a few different snack items (and some granola) so they are ready to snack and go. (I am also looking for some snack ideas, so if you have any, please shoot them my way!)

This is not an easy way to live. Eric has experienced this most when he is on the road for his cases, he hasn't been able to find many things on menus that he can eat. This has been frustrating for both of us. We are still hopeful it becomes a positive experience for our whole family.

Still, the proof is in the pudding. And I am anxiously looking forward to some promised sugar-free, gluten-free treats! (honestly, I never thought that I would ever utter those words in my entire life)

Day 1--This Sucks!

2010-01-04T21:24:00.002-05:00

No really, it was a bad day.

Not only could I not put any sugar in my tea (which needed just a hint of sweet), but I struggled with what to feed the kids at lunch, because I don't have a suitable bread for them yet (i have found a recipe and will make it tomorrow--hope it passes!) And now, Eric's off for a case and we just don't have the right kind of snack foods for him in the house.

We are edgy and I am tired. I really just wanted some coffee today--really, just a bit. I had a headache and at one point, while I had 6 kids at my house, wanted to lay down on the floor and take a nap.

I would hazard a guess that I am suffering from withdrawal--from the sugar, from caffeine, from flour. And I really miss cheese. (I didn't know I ate so much of it) I know today and the next two won't be pretty, but I'm sure I'll make it. I just know that this would be easier if I could hide away all day and not face any stressful situations--you know kids, deadlines, conflict, food preparation.

I also know I sound so whiny right now--but it will get better. I expect that by the end of the week, I feel good. Maybe with more energy, I get the hang of how to cook and feed all of us. I am hopeful.

On a positive note--the kids did not bat an eye at any of the food today--not the oatmeal without brown sugar, or the weird tostadas I made for lunch or the Gluten free veggie pizza (with cheese, for them) for dinner. In fact, they asked for more.

On the menu for tomorrow--peanut butter and banana, a mango dal with sweet rice, baked fruit medly, and something yummy for breakfast.

Here we go. . .

2010-01-03T22:06:00.003-05:00

Tomorrow our family starts a new (but brief journey) into the world of food. Not that we haven't gone to interesting places before, but we are going to do a bit of an experiment. And although you are probably going to laugh at this, we decided to share it with you.

So after weeks of planning, we are taking three weeks to cut out major portions of our diets. Although there are many fantastic things that we can eat, it is notable for what we cannot, so I might as well just list them here. Ready. ..

No Gluten (which is found in wheat, rye, and barley)
No Sugar
No Caffeine
No Alcohol
No Animal products (for the grown ups, not meat or dairy, yes dairy for the kids)

I have menus planned and alternatives purchased. This is going to be very experimental. We hope it works.

But I am sure you wonder what we hope it does. . .Well, Eric just wants to drop a couple pounds. Me, on the other hand, I have a few more specific things I would like to see. I need to drop a dependence I have on C*ke--especially between 1 and 3 in the afternoon. Also, i am beginning to wonder if I am slightly intolerant of gluten. So I would like to see if after cutting it for three weeks that some problem skin areas I have clear up, my stomach flattens down and I have more energy.

I know it seems crazy--and it kinda is, but it is a nutritionally complete and responsible way to eat. We already like most of the foods already, so it's just eating more of them. Honestly, both Eric and I are a bit nervous. How will we feel those first few days? Crabby, probably. Will it really work? Will I be able to prepare enough of the right kind of food to satisfy our family--including great snacks and treats? Will this journey be so stressful that the positive health feeling just won't be worth it?

I don't know those answers. But Eric thought it would be a good idea to chronicle this--just so we have a record--of what we have done and how we have benefited (or not).

But for now, it's 10:30, only 1 1/2 more hours to eat any forbidden bread . . .

A New Year on the horizon

2009-12-30T22:00:00.004-05:00

Wow! Another month has passed and we are at the edge of a new year, new decade. This has been a sweet month of celebrations with family and friends, both near and far. Isn't that what Christmas is? A month of celebrations. For me, it culminated in our Christmas Eve birthday party for Jesus and a small candle service to show each of us how Christ's light shines in us and then lights up the world. It was powerful to watch my kids catch on!

But now as we turn the page on a new year, I am full of thoughts on what we have just encountered and what is yet to come. On Sunday, as we looked through the paper together, I had to explain to J the number one event of this decade, 9/11. It was remarkable to notice that his world is colored by an event that he wasn't here for and he will never know a world without the implications of that attack or the wars that followed. In fact, many of the top events of this decade were negative events and sometimes its hard to open a child's eyes to sin and suffering.

However, this life we live now is sweet and full of promise--the promise that comes from newly acquired skills, budding talents and dreams, and the sound of a toddler's contagious giggle. Reflecting on this past year, I have the following observations (i wanted to be cool and come up with a Letterman-like top 10, but I don't have that much time to plan)

1) I can do just about anything! Proof positive: I ran a marathon (oh yeah, next year in under 5 hours!)
2) Praise Jesus I am simply called to love (and not condemn) the broken people around me, because I am broken just like them.
3) I am rather undisciplined, but I'm working on it.
4) Marriage is pretty tough stuff, but when you are committed to your sweet husband, and he to you, you do the hard work!
5) Homeschooling is not for the faint of heart, yet I am becomming convinced that it is worth every moment of agonizingly painful hard work.
6) Somewhere in my soul, a crafty person is lurking, waiting for the moment to break free and create stuff.
7) Friends alway seem to come at just the right time with just the right word of encouragment. Thanks, friends.
8) My God, my Lord, my Saviour, my friend. It is good to be His.

May your 2010 be full of love and blessing, just as your 2009 was.

2009-11-23T21:01:00.006-05:00

Ahh, it's quiet in this house. Actually it has been quiet here for a few hours--OG is asleep and Eric took the other two to deliver Thanksgiving baskets for church. That means I have had enough time to sit and chill and think without being exhausted. . .so now I am here, to share with you (aren't you lucky!)

Wonder why there hasn't been any evidence of me in the blogging world for the past month? Well, it's because my life has been chaotic and until this past week, I didn't realize that there was anything that could be done for it. Most of it is normal chaos--a house with three young, energetic kids, a husband with an unpredictable job, toys everywhere. But some of the chaos had to do with homeschool.

I can hear it now. You think, "I knew it, it was going to be too much for her and now she's in over her head" Ha, Ha on you! No, schooling itself is good--I even really enjoy having my kids home (most days). But it is a crazy time. I have a son who loves the idea of school but when it is school time fights with everything that I have to do--like even the M&M matching game (it's too boring). I have a middle child who wants to do whatever her big brother is doing, even though it really doesn't interest her or is at her level of understanding. And a youngest who is bored--and when she is bored, it's like having Godzilla in your house. We'd be on the floor with a project and she'd jump on my back and be a monkey, or if we were at the table, she would be dumping random things all over the floor. This was not the way that I pictured homeschooling.

Because of a crazy few weeks, I had hit my explosion point. Then a few God-sends--some loving friends, a system of organization that I am working on, and a plan to pull me out of the muck and into a somewhat calmer day. And after a few days, it is working. I have more patience. OG is getting her own thing, and overall the house is a more peaceful place!

What have I done?

1) Instituted Tot School. Yep, OG has 20 minutes of dedicated time where we do things just for her. Today we read a story about roaring lions and played with some Africa animals.
2) Everyone has work during table time now. I purchased these handy little buckets at target and fill them with 3 activities for the girls and 4-5 assignments for J. So far so good. OG & K feel like they have their own school and J knows what he has to do and what is expected of him. The only complaint--not enough in J's bucket--which I'll give him, but building up activities for such takes time and energy.

3)Mandatory quiet time every day! One hour is enough to give me time to breath/sit/sleep/whatever! I am much more willing to tackle the rest of my day.

And the result? I'm not sure yet. But if I get more moments like this one, I will know it's worth it. In fact I already do! (It's J reading a book to OG--he's actually reading it! We're very proud!)

What's for Dinner?

2009-10-28T16:40:00.001-04:00

Lessons from Others

2009-10-25T19:36:00.004-04:00

I think that this may be close to the end of the marathon momma posts for a while (you know, until next year) but I felt that there were still two things left to record of this journey. One is completely humbling, the other totally pragmatic.

First we'll start with humbling. I have been humbled by the outpouring of love given to me for completing this race. I never knew--and on those days when I feel that the whole world is against me, I will do my best to remember all the people who called, sent cards, asked and listened to me repeat my experience. And even more humbling and eye opening to me has been the lessons and experiences that other people have related to me about their lives in following my marathon goal in my life. And although I may not say your names, know that I am deeply grateful to each of you for sharing your hearts about my journey.

A dear friend of mine spent the last three weeks of my training on her own journey--traveling to and working in an orphanage in Lesthoto, Africa. The trip was life changing and heart rending and she will never be the same for that experience. But on her return home, she told me it was my journey that brought tears to my eyes--the determination and inner strength that it took to complete a hard task. I am humbled.
Another friend mentioned that this was inspiring because I am "every woman" in that I honestly had to juggle home, kids, husband's job and life in general. There were days when I didn't want to run, when I had to make myself. I am not a super athlete, like my brother or sister-in-law or my dad. This kind of endurance is not natural to me. Yet, I did it. Hmm, I wonder if there is some sort of life lesson in that?
A homeschool mom related a lot of my marathon day experience to the Christian walk (and even talked with her kids about it). She talked with them about how hard it was for me to be alone on the journey--how much harder the effort was, but also how much burden was relieved when I traveled with others of like mind and like goal. How true that is for the Christ-following life. It really is easier to follow Christ when you are surrounded by people who are also striving towards the same goal, it is also much easier to fail if you are depended mostly on your own strength.
And yes, the marathon closely mirrors the pregnancy/birth experience. You wait and work and get excited for a long time leading up to the main event. And then it comes and you are excited and nervous and anxious. But your preparation has paid off, you are aware of the route, the pain, the highs and lows, even though you haven't yet experienced them . And then there is the moment you cross the finish line and all the pain and work of the previous 26.2 miles is forgotten in mind and you savor the victory. There are two places where the two experiences depart, however. First, the drugs available for childbirth are much better than those suggested for running a marathon. Second although your whole body hurts after both childbirth and a marathon, you only get a free pass to sit on the couch for more than a day with childbirth. Despite the need to recoup your muscle health and strength, you have to be up and hobbling pretty quick.
And finally, life is much better when I don't focus on me. God's call to service extends beyond my home and family and shows up in unexpected places--mile 25. And when I can focus on helping others succeed and manage their own feelings and pain, I am much better at dealing with my own issues, they aren't nearly as important as others. Even when I think I am in a race just for me.

I AM A MARATHONER!

2009-10-19T09:05:00.006-04:00

So I did it! Can you believe it? Well, I can, but it is a little surreal--I worked very hard for an event that lasted 5 hours and 15 minutes for me and now it is done. I guess that I would feel differently at this moment. . .

Yesterday was a great day. Most of the time was pretty fun. I actually enjoyed myself for 22.2 out of 26.2 miles. Not bad for the first time out. The day started early as I saw a friend who "runs" with Team Triumph off for an early start at 7:30. The marathon started quite promptly at 8:00 a.m. and I decided to run with a pace team (a group led by experienced marathoners who keep a specific pace in order to allow you to reach your goal time)--The Inconvenient Pace Team whose goal was to come in ahead of Al Gore's marathon time of 4:58. It was great for me--good pace, not too fast, sometimes it felt too slow. But there was a lot of energy. At the beginning of the marathon there were 6pacers and about 30 runners with this group. Lots of chatting and fun. Encouragement from everyone along the way. I ran most of it, not needing many of my usual walking breaks. When the Half marathoners made their turn, out group was pretty demolished--suddenly there were only 3 pacers and maybe 8 runners. For part of the run, along the backside of the Millenium Park Lake, it was great--we were exchanging stories about our first marathons, how we came to this marathon, starts and stops we had along the way with our training. It felt really, really good. But I digress. . .

The day was great--and after much thought, I was dressed perfectly. I was comfortable for almost the entire race (except when it suddenly got sunny for about 20 minutes) I had my "Marathon Momma" shirt on and was proud to be out there, feeling strong and capable. Eric and the kids (and wonderful Yoli) were there to see me off at 8:00 a.m.--and then they caught me again at mile 8, they tried and barely missed me at mile 10, met me again at about mile 12 1/2 (where we finished the very meager hills--seriously!) and again at mile 17. Of course they were there to see me in at the end. But it was a long time between mile 17 and mile 26.2 and of course, a lot happened then.

I was going great for a while--I had to make a quick stop around mile 6--it set me back a few minutes, but over the next mile or two I was able to make it back and run with the pace team again. Phew. Things were good for a while. We crossed an old converted railway over the grand river and began the long stretch (at least that's what I'm calling it). And Although I wasn't super excited to see all the turn arounds on the map, I sure was glad to see all the runners on the course. We ran all the way to Wilson and back and as we were travelling those first few miles, we saw others returning. That was encouraging. I saw a friend of mine who was running his second marathon in 3 weeks (crazy, but inspired).

Then, DOOOM! I had to make a second pit stop, this time in the woods (remember people, at this point I have been running for 15 miles--just about 3 hours and drinking water--I've had three babies, I don't have super bladder anymore!) Even thought this stop was shorter, I didn't have the extra that it took to catch all the way back up. I got very, very close--by that time at about 19 miles. I managed to stay close for the next while--trying to run for 10 minutes before walking, but I started getting slower and slower and my feet started to hurt more and more and I needed to walk a little bit more than I wanted to and at about mile 22 I lost sight of the Pace team. And that really bummed me out.

The back stretch of the marathon felt like it had some long lonely miles and although I was not all the way at the end of the racers, I was pretty alone. And there was no one around to cheer me one or give me a needed boost of encouragement. Those were some pretty tough miles. Honestly, I never wanted to quit. I never stopped moving. And sometimes my walk or run did not feel like it was very fast. However, I was starting to get very tired and I just wanted to take a nap. Then I got to the point where slowing down to a walk hurt--my muscles needed to keep moving, but my motivation to keep running was waning.

As I headed back into the city, about mile 24--I knew I was almost there and my resolve picked up--there were more people around, I could see more runners (who were also struggling). Just after mile 25 I came across Michelle who started the race with me and when I had previously last seen her, was running strongly ahead of me with the pace team. She is a 42 year old woman running her first marathon. But when I saw her, she definitely wasn't running, in fact she was barely walking. Turns out around mile 22, her knee gave out on her, completely buckled, but she was absolutely determined to finish this race. She saw a volunteer who offered her help, but then she saw and recognized me--and said she wanted to finish the race with me. So I put my arm around her and she around me and we hobbled off. She jogged as she was able (with tears streaming down her face) She was so disappointed, but she wanted to make it in, so we did--she told me not to let medical pull her from the race, so that didn't happen. We walked a while and jogged the last 1/3 mile in--down winter street, from the time you turned the corner and could see the Start/Finish line. From time to time her knee would give out and we would hobble along some more.

Lest you think that I was some super great Samaritan, I later realized that I needed her too. I was feeling pretty crummy about myself--I hurt, I was not completing as strongly as I wanted to. If I was very honest I would say I really wanted to come in under 5 hours, but was prepared for a time around 5:15--ohh, but I wanted 5 hours. I was excited for the first 2/3 of the race that that was actually a possibility. Since I had figured out that wasn't going to happen, I started to be disappointed in me, in my ability to withstand the pain that comes with long miles. And then there was Michelle--something else to focus my attention on. A goal of helping her in was far more worthy than any pity party I could have for myself. So although she called me her angel, I think it was the opposite that was true.

As we neared the start finish I saw my fantastic family waiting for me, all bundled up with signs and love. Josh and Olivia started to run in with me. Olivia did a pretty good job of keeping up--but Josh crossed the Finish line with me and Michelle. I received my hug from Marathon Don and my sweet medal. And wiped away my own tears. I did it. I am a marathoner!

Last night, Eric was a sweetheart and did most everything, including making me a steak dinner. We had a ceremony to add the 26.2 magnet to the van (i am marathon momma, after all!) I drank my celebratory beer and slept soundly all night (thanks, pain meds!). Today, I walk like an old woman who has aches in her knees, feet and hips. The stairs are a beast and I cringe at the thought of walking up and down them.

But you know what? I am already planning on coming in faster than Al Gore next year. Bring it 2010!

Hmmm, could this be this year's Christmas card?

Thoughts for this journey

2009-10-15T21:33:00.006-04:00

Forgive me if I think too much, but. . .

In a couple days I will run and complete my first (of hopefully many) marathon. While I am looking forward to that moment, of finishing, of completion, I don't want to gloss over what the journey that has brought me to this point has taught me.

Even if I am not successful in finishing, I have learned so much in training for this marathon that I would consider this and valuable exercise--just the training and learning of the whole process.

So what have I learned? Glad you asked.

The journey has been instructive. I have learned that I can rise to the challenge of a difficult task.
I will no longer feel bad if my goals make someone else uncomfortable--whether they don't like it or it makes them feel bad or don't understand it. This is my goal and I can be proud of it.
I have a horrible time trying to decide what to wear for cool weather runs.
Lots of runners make pit stops in the woods. Some even carry extra toilet paper for such stops. A bathroom is not always accessible. This is called Runner's Trots--a lot of runners have them. Get used to it.
However, don't expect that people really can't see you in the woods if you are wearing a day-glo orange/pink/white runner shirt. They probably can.
There is no shame in walking during the duration of your run. Don't believe me--in a 3.5 hour run, I walked for a total of 23 minutes, which means that I "only" ran for 3 hours and 7 minutes. That still counts in my book!
I can run that far by myself.
However, I shouldn't spend too much time running without some sort of noise to think on--my own thoughts will get me into trouble. Hence, the love I have developed for NPR podcasts!
And after running for that long, food, Tylenol and a nap on a couch are definitely things you need.
I have a ton of people behind me and I am incredibly grateful and humbled by that.
I like to run--slowly, to be sure--but I like the feeling and the rhythm of a run, the strength that I feel in my muscles and body, and the way I feel for accomplishing something.
This has been hard work, but very good work. It has taken time, dedication, effort, patience, a financial commitment, and the support of many people. The work has been hard, but so worth it.
I can hit a stumbling block, respond rationally and take the appropriate steps, and then bounce back. Case in point--I hurt my foot, didn't quit, and am up and running again. I think I would have regretted not getting back out on the road.
The 9 a.m. hour is busy around Reed's Lake on a Saturday morning.
I can run mileage. Already I know I can travel 18 miles on my own two feet. I will never again balk at the the sound of difficulty of a distance.
Perspective has come to my forefront--although this marathon and all the things around it have been important to me, it is not more important than so many other worthy things, like my friend who just spent three weeks serving orphans in Africa. That is a worthy goal.
God has been a part of this journey. He has answered direct, specific prayers, as well as general prayers. He has given me strength and desire. I hope I have already made Him proud. I hope He is proud of me on Sunday.

I think I could go on. But I wanted to record these before I am overcome with the feelings that come with finishing this journey. The past 20 weeks have been important for me. For the first time I have set a hard goal and worked hard towards it. Have I worked hard enough? I suspect that I could have done more, been better, but although it is important, this marathon is not my whole life--I still have a fantastic husband and wonderful kids and a home to care for. For that I am truly grateful

In one week. . .

2009-10-11T19:16:00.002-04:00

I will be sitting on my couch

being waited on hand and foot

loaded up with tylenol and perhaps a special drink

to commemorate and celebrate

My first marathon

Run and Completed!

Sunday, October 18th at 8 a.m. is start time!

I finish with my head held high no matter my time!

Good Luck me!\

(Don't I just look like a runner with fantastic form?)

Injury, what injury?

2009-10-07T16:41:00.003-04:00

Yep, you read right. In a glorious answer to prayers for an explicitly clear answer--all my tests came back negative and my first real run in 2 1/2 weeks was done with no pain or injury! Yipee!!

All in all, I visited my primary doc and then a sports doctor (who was fantastic and got me into the office in less than 24 hours). My x-rays came back clear, but Dr. K was still concerned about the foot. ( i think he suspected a stress fracture, for the way that he spoke and handled the foot). He ordered and MRI that happened on Sunday (another answer to a specific prayer). He called me with the results this morning, after I returned from my first real run since my foot started to hurt. It was completely clear. No marks of anything. Whatever was ailing me is gone! God is so good!

And now, in the next 10 days, its time to get ready for the Grand Rapids Marathon--I need to try and regain some shape--I lost lung capacity with my cold and fine toning with the layoff and also to start preparing mentally, to tell myself and believe that I can run 26.2 miles next week Sunday. And I think I can. Many of my running friends have encouraged me by saying if I can get to the 18 miles that I did, I absolutely have the ability to complete 26.

If you said a prayer for me in the past few weeks, thanks. I appreciate your support.

Now, I'll see you at the finish line. . .

Running Recap

2009-09-26T15:12:00.003-04:00

Funny title, eh?

I actually did no running this week, no actual physical activity at all for the first time in 17 weeks. Becuase I'm sick. Great week to take one off.

And I still have a bum foot.

The official diagnosis is that I have irritated a ligament on the outside of my right foot--and I have permission to run when it feels like it can. And although the pain is better today than it was at the beginning of the week, my foot aches after I have been walking on it too long and my limp becomes quite obvious. I have serious doubts as to whether I will be able to run 26 miles in 21 days. Maybe I will be able to get to 10 or 12 miles again before the race, but I don't want to ruin my foot over this--it has been hard enough to get around this past week.

I don't know what to do. Part of me says that I should keep going and try and run and then keep shooting for the marathon. Part of me wants to throw in the towel because I would rather not run the risk.

And I am not even sure what and who to trust for words of guidance. This week will be the telling week. The Dr. said that I could get on a bike anytime that I wanted to to keep my physical level up--sure, can do and that I could start running as I felt I could do it without pain, Is three weeks really enough time to allow a ligament to heal? This is question that I don't know the answer to. And honestly, it would be emotionally easier to back out now and shoot for next year instead of starting the race and having to pull out halfway through for a hurt foot.

But then again, sometimes I think too much.

And I think that this is one of those times.

2009-09-23T21:56:00.002-04:00

So it's off to the Dr. I go tomorrow (Thursday) afternoon to get my foot checked out, perhaps even x-rays.

I fear it's a stress fracture, but will know tomorrow afternoon.

I will either be very relieved or very sad.

We'll see which one tomorrow afternoon.

ACK! Four weeks and counting. . .

2009-09-22T19:14:00.005-04:00

This post comes to you in a time of frustration.

1) I am sick enough to not want to do anything at all, but not sick enough to lay around all day.

2) I am dealing with some sort of foot injury.

And that is really, really crummy.

This past week, I had a couple nice runs and ran 18 miles on Saturday morning. That was really cool. It started quite early--6 a.m. The stars were still out. I saw Orion, the dippers and other stars I haven't seen in quite a while. I watched the sun rise over Reed's Lake. It is phenomenal to watch God paint the sky and start a new day with his creative palette. I saw the darkness turn suddenly to light when the sun crossed the horizon. That was fantastic.

The run went pretty smoothly. I took a little aspirin before my run and I felt no pain from my knee (which I now know not to do). That was fabulous.

What wasn't fabulous? Well, I didn't have enough food with me and when you run for three hours, you are in need of real food. The granola bar that I had with me was not nearly enough. I didn't have the chance to buy a super protein/calorie bar, so I had to make do with one of the kid's cheap ones. Don't be fooled, there is a definite difference in quality and ability to fuel an athlete.

I was doing pretty good until I was on the backside of Reed's lake (again) I had covered about15 miles, had less than 3 to go. And the mental game got to me--I was hungry, I needed a bathroom in a desperate way, and I didn't know what to do. I called Eric and seriously considered having him come and pick me up. I wanted to quit. For real. But I didn't, I kept going, I found a quiet woody place in a park, and found the gumption to make it home. But then found out, I was just a hair shy of 18 miles--I mis-remembered my run route.

In the end I am pretty proud of my time for my 18 miles--just over 3:30 (3:34 to be exact) and think that with the lessons that I am learning, I could make a pretty good first showing at the Grand Rapids Marathon (less than 1 month away!)

But that's if my foot heals.

Starting Sunday afternoon, I noticed it hurt to walk. By the end of the day I had a noticeable and significant limp on my right side. I can't figure out what is causing the pain--it's probably an overuse injury that requires rest to heal. I hope that it is not a stress fracture. And this is my conundrum: I don't want to quit too easily chalking it up to a bum foot, but I also don't want to injure myself in a more serious way. I am giving my foot a few-day break and am shooting for a short run on Thursday. If that goes well, I am scheduled for a 20 mile run (my longest before the marathon) with the Grand Rapids Running Club on Saturday morning.

But right now I am frustrated. I have come so far. I don't want to quit--but I am also not a big fan of persistent pain that I don't know where it comes from or how to get rid of it.

I am hoping that this is one of those bumps that turns into a turning point/motivational lesson/God's provision that propels me through to the end. We shall see. . .

Running on Empty in Utah

2009-09-16T21:34:00.004-04:00

A quick minute to tell you about running in Utah.

It SUCKED! It was really, really, really, really hard.

5,000 feet in altitude change and running in the foothills of the Wasatch mountains really makes a significant difference.

I took two runs--a 3.2 miler and a 10 miler that turned into a 6 miler. (I have never quit that early in a run before) Yeah, so first I ran up hill for a long time, then I ran across the hill for a while and then I went back down the hill. That was three miles. Add some extra ups and downs and then you have the 6 mile.

My lungs weren't working right, my heart was pumping out of my chest and my legs felt like lead. And I was so tired from the running. The change in oxygen made a real difference. I am looking forward to a run tomorrow to make me feel like Super-Runner.

Because that often happens.

For those who might wonder, the rest of the trip was fun. Josh and I hung out--with my family, in the mountains, at Toys-r-us, at the zoo, and at a working copper mine. (Guess which part was Josh's favorite?) But we are definitely both glad to be home.

Oh, and this weekend we are gearing up for 18 miles.

Running Recap

2009-09-10T12:56:00.003-04:00

Qucik, before I run out the door to catch my flight to salt lake with Josh, I thought that I would catch up on the running stuff.

Yes, I am still running and I am heading into the final stretch. Although my run for this weekend is supposed to be 18 miles, I will soon find myself in an oxygen depleted environment (My parent's in Salt Lake live about 5,000 ft), so I don't trust my ability to do that much.

So, Saturday will find me running about 10 miles up and down the Foothills. As I map my route, I can picture most of it and find one major problem--severly limited access to public restrooms and/or heavily wooded areas. This could be a major issues, so I am continually rethinking the route in my head. Lately it's been an issue even for my 3 mile runs! Yikes.

Other than that, running is well, if just a bit undertrained. Yep, I'm averaging 2-3 runs a week, most of them short mileage--2-4 miles and the one big run. In the past week I've run

tuesday--2.75 miles (26:53)

Saturday --9.5 miles (1:45)

Wednesday--3.2 miles (34:30)

Plans are for 3-4 miles tomorrow (Friday) morning to adjust to hills and altitude, 10 miles on Sautrday and another 3-4 on Monday before coming home and prepping for 18 next Saturday (19th) and 20 the following Saturday (26th). We're almost there! These distances are mind boggling and I am slow, but I am confident that if I plod along, i can do this!

Canning, Camping & More--The end of summer edition

2009-09-09T07:34:00.002-04:00

Wow, I can't believe that summer is over already. I think I am echoing many other sentiments when I say, it was a good one. I have so much to post, that you should get to see/know, that this is going to be largely a visual edition. So, enjoy.

Canning: been doing a bunch of that lately, some even with kids help. Here, they are helping me peel tomatoes that we can to use during winter months. In this job, they were truly helpful!

And just some of the bounty. This is tomatoes and bread n butter pickles (a first for me!). Also included in this year's bounty is peaches, pears, 4 kinds of salsa, and lots of preserves. After I finish up the pears and peaches tonight, I am on canning hiatus until apple season.

I will say that all the canning I do gives me great respect for food and food processing, specifically in how much and how hard it is to prepare like this. It makes me much less willing to take the convenience of our food systems for granted, but also to realize how "expensive" good food is. (Also, for those of you who care, all the food that has been preserved is locally grown and purchased from local farmers, except for the pears, because they were picked off someone's tree!)

School: Yep, we're three weeks in and are getting the hang of school. My house, on the other hand, isn't really in the rotation yet! Anyway, last week, we focused on a book about Japan and had a great week learning all about Japan and Japanese culture. We topped the week off with a Japanese lunch, complete with sushi, green tea, edamame beans, tofu, ichiban noodles, sticky rice and these great little chewy candies. Great fun and food was enjoyed by all!

We finished our summer off by camping with some great friends. And it was an adventure. Our pop-up was first stuck in the mud and then it wouldn't pop-up. Our first official night of camping we set up in the dark because it ws past 9 p.m. when we finally got it up and the battery on the camper had died and consequently, we also didn't have any ability to add extra heat--and it was cold that night! We suffered through 5 bee stings and a few owies here and there. But it was a great time! There were dunes to climb, a lake to play near, roads to bike on, trees to mingle with, friends to talk with and a great fire to sit around. It was a great first camping experiece--I hope we have many more in the years to come.

Week #13 Recap

2009-08-30T20:24:00.003-04:00

Last night at 2:30 a.m. OG woke up crying from her teething--I hobbled out of bed and very painfully took her down the stairs (my knees and hips were a bit surprisingly sore). As I took her back up the stairs, my body complained, loudly. And I asked myself the question: "Why in the world am I doing this? To me? To my body? Exactly what am I trying to prove? Is it fair to do this to myself or my family? Is it worth it?"

And at 2:30 in the morning, I couldn't find a reasonable answer.

Honestly, even now, I can't find a really good answer. Why am I doing this? I don't know.

But I am.

This week's runs:

Monday: 3.06 miles

Wednesday: 2.5 miles (23:00 minutes--catch that? I ran about 9 minute miles for this run! It was fast and hard and great! My first mile was in 8:51! Thanks for the idea to do speed work!)

Saturday:15.6 miles (3:06:35)

Comments on Saturday's run:

I prayed that it wouldn't rain. I really didn't want to run in heavy rain again. And it didn't rain, although it was chilly.
Instead I got to watch the sun rise over Reeds Lake. Early in the morning, that was great inspiration and a reminder of the beauty in God's hand.
My run was supposed to be 16 miles. I had it mapped to 16.8. It was running from my house to East GR to Cascade and back home again. About halfway, I was gauging my distance and time and decided to turn around a wee bit early. Well, after remapping my actual run, well, I came in short. Crap. I honestly feel as though I need to do it again, just to say that I accomplished the 16 mile run that I was supposed to. I know, there are bigger distances coming, but I wanted this one, to say that I did it, that I never shorted a long run. But I did.
I have also done well mapping my long runs to conicide with a bathroom break about every 4-6 miles. No more potty stops in the woods for me, hopefully!
Finally, after a long run I was tired and sore and began to wonder if everyone is this tired and sore after a long run or if I am the anomaly and not the norm. But I spent most of the rest of the day on my feet--canning (more on that later), sorting out sibling fights and not sitting. I was beat by the end of the night. I am pretty sure that I fell asleep before 10 p.m. But you know, today (which is Sunday) wasn't too bad. I actually feel like I could do a short run if I had to! Whaddya think about that?

Upcoming in the near future is the fact that my next two Saturdays are sorta messed up with camping and traveling to Utah with J. I really don't want to run 18 miles in Salt Lake with the increased altitude and not having my encourager along. I'm sure I will find a way to fit it all in, I'm just not sure how yet--I still have three runs for this week (one while camping, I'm sure).

Week #11 & 12 Recap

2009-08-24T13:22:00.004-04:00

Psss...I've got a secret.

You may not be able to tell, when you see me running down the street. Usually I look like one of those weekend warriors, but I'm not. Really, I'm not. I may not look as cool as the triathletes I see training on my Saturday morning run. I am pretty slow, I don't look like a runner.

But as all those other people pass me running down the road, I can smile because I know, that despite every expectation, I am a running, I am more than that.

I am a Marathoner!

Yep, I am! Believe it!

And so, here's the proof: a recap from the past two weeks

Tuesday--3.2 miles

Saturday--14.4 miles (2:55)

Tuesday-3.2 miles (34:54)

Thursday--3 miles (32:00)

Saturday--8.2 miles (1:27)

Total for those two weeks: 32 miles

Now I know that I am not running nearly as many miles as many others who are also training for a marathon--but I am aiming for completing, hopefully somewhere around 5 hours, and others I know are shooting for Personal Records. My PR will be finishing.

Upcoming this week is 16 miles on Saturday and this is where I knew I would begin to struggle. I can't even begin to conceptualize what it will mean to run 16 miles--I can't picture how far that really is nor how long it will really take me. in the next six weeks I will do 16, 18 and 20 mile runs in preparation for the real thing. This will make or break me--I am hoping that what happens is that I do battle with my will and I win, I complete these runs and have cemented within myself the understanding that I am capable, that really I can run a whole marathon (i've already paid the registration money, so I'd better be able to!)

And I'll take any joiners for any of those miles. See you on the road!

So how was that first day of school?

2009-08-18T21:02:00.005-04:00

Well, I am so glad you asked. Because the school day on Monday morning was fine. It went well, even if I was a bit under prepared for the enthusiasm of my students. OG was playing with Yoli downstairs for most of the morning, so I just had J & K with me. We read a Bible story and a verse, we read our book for the week Madeline and talked about Paris, France and what in the world it might have in common with our town. (um, a river runs through it). That was where I was most unprepared because it would have been great thinking on my part to have a picture book on France available for us to look at, to give some concrete thought to the ideas--but no, so we struggled on. Afterwards, we did some writing practice and then some reading (as in they were doing the reading). We finished with a simple craft to make our own pencil holders (you know, for our pencils and stuff). And that was about the substance of our school day. Not too bad. If anything I thought that they were ready to receive more that I didn't have prepared for them. I forget what sponges they are.

But the rest of the day was a disaster. A total and utter disaster. And I have very little good to say about the day we had, how it happened, or how I responded to it. Just know that I am already tired and a bit discouraged by it.

The schooling today was great--we made books! And I changed things around a bit to make our mornings more manageable and it included a planned snack. And they were eager to do the work I had for them. Tomorrow will be even better I know--we are going on our first nature walk tomorrow and I can't wait for all three to participate in that.

And I am hoping for good night's sleep.

God is in this place

2009-08-16T20:35:00.003-04:00

Tonight I put the kids to bed on my own, Eric had to be at work. The three were beat, so tired. Fun in the summer sun will do that do a kid. But my oldest doesn't like going to bed. In fact, falling asleep is difficult for him becuase he makes up fears for himself. Tonight sounded like it was going to be the same as many previous nights.

J:Mommy, I don't want to go to bed alone in my room. I'll be alone. I'll be scared.

Me: No, you won't. You're safe here in this house with me. I'm here. Your safe.

Then everything changed when a small voice spoke to me in my heart.

Me: J, you know that God is a good guy, right? Well, there is a bad guy named Satan and when you tell me that you are going to be scared I know that Satan is fighting with you. Satan is fighting with you, but God is bigger and stronger than Satan and wants to beat him up. God keeps you safe.

J: Oh. . .

Reluctantly, he turns and heads towards bed. I hold him for a while to help him know he is safe and I love him. Gently, I tuck him in bed. After a moment of quiet he asks, "Mommy, is God winning?"

Yes, my son, indeed He is winning. He has already won!

2009-08-09T21:48:00.002-04:00

I Just registered for my first marathon! The money's been paid and the financial commitment made!

October 18th, here we come!

Week # 9 & 10 recap!

2009-08-07T20:45:00.004-04:00

Yeah, you thought I had fallen off the running wagon, didn't you? It's okay, you can admit it. Because I almost did. But now, I didn't and here are two weeks of running to prove it. As you will be able to tell, week 9 was less than stellar, but I am back on track now--Grand Rapids Marathon, Here I Come!

Week #9

Tuesday--3 miles

Friday--7.50 miles

(Couldn't give you an accurate time for either of these runs because I had misplaced my trusty timer watch--so let's just say that I ran as fast as the wind. Whoosh!)

Friday's run was great fun because it was all trails at our church camp out. The first loop was a file mile trail that was highly wooded, had some nice boardwalk, and finished by following the road back to camp. I felt good enough after the 5 that I decided to run the last 2. I was told it was a great trail and short--so I went. And discovered that for my last two miles I choose a seriously hilly trail with some really big hills. It was tough, tougher than I thought because mentally I was at the end of my run and had chosen to do something that was so difficult. I think that in the end my time was somewhere around 80/85 minutes. I really enjoyed that run. I think however, I would have enjoyed it a bit more had I either been more prepared for the hills or done them at the beginning of my run when I was fresh. Regardless, I did it. Chalk up one more run for me.

Week #10 Recap!

Back in the saddle again.

This week I managed all four runs, even though two distances were a bit, um, lacking.

Tuesday--1.8 miles (18 minutes)

Wednesday--3 miles (30.45 minutes)

Friday--2 miles (20.31 minutes)

These three runs were shorties. Obviously. Wednesday I tried to run fast and found that my knee didn't like it too much, so what started out as a 9:28 mile (1st) ended with an 11:10 mile (3rd). And my gait was very strained by the end of the three miles, it was obvious to me that I was changing my step in order to put less pressure on my knee. The limp was quite evident. After that run, I tried some weights and figured out that it was an upper body strength day, not lower body as first anticipated.

A couple observations from Friday's run:

It was too short. That's how I felt when I was done. Even though I ran tempo and I was glad to be done, I felt as though I hadn't done enough, that it didn't actually count as a run. But it did. And I did it.

Saturday--12.3 miles (at this distance, does time really matter?)

Singing in the rain a la Fred Astaire=romantic

Hiking through a light drizzle=refreshing

Playing or dancing in the rain like my kids=fun

Running through an hour of serious downpour=interesting, to say the least!

So yesterday I had the privilege of doing a great deal of my run in some serious rain--heavy, thick drops and couple inches of water running all over the road and sidewalks and even some thunder and lightening a little too nearby! I don't mind running in the rain as long as I stay warm--and I managed to stay warm yesterday, and even smile through all of it. The only downside: I got water in my earphones and one side isn't working well.

I was wet unlike anything I have ever experienced before. I am so extremely grateful for my running gear that kept me comfortable. My hat kept water off my head and out of my face; all my wicking gear kept wet clothes from rubbing uncomfortably (and despite it I got no blisters). Even though I ran through inches of rain, my feet didn't feel wet. And when it started drying out, my tank dried off enough to keep me from staying too wet for the duration of my run.

But it was slow. I think it just is what is. I have a goal of finishing the marathon in under 5 hours (like I said, slow) but am beginning to wonder if that is at all a reality. I need too many bathroom breaks, my knee needs regular breaks. I know that I shouldn't go into this with a time goal, because in the end I will want to think that I have succeeded despite whatever time I come in with.

One thing that I have noticed is that I am more able to run greater distances or with more speed and possibly even fewer breaks. I think this is progress. My body is (finally) adjusting to all this. The pain in my knee is usually just a little ache. I do take two days to recover from my long run however, and this has thrown my schedule off a little, but I adjust and I find ways to run and I keep running.

Oh and on an ending note: my running partner has been upgraded to my encourager! Eric has realized that his schedule and desire to pursue other interests is keeping him from running with me, so he is changing his official position to that of cheerleader, making sure that I am able to get out on my runs and bringing the kids to see me run the marathon. Yesterday in his first day in this role, he came out on his bike in the pouring rain, found me and biked alongside me for a couple miles--then went home and had a warm towel and hot coffee ready for me after I walked in the door! What a great guy I have!

So I am open for some miles--this Saturday I'm upping it to 14! We're heading into the home stretch! It's exciting but scary. (And I still need to commit and actually sign up for the marathon!)

About this day. . .

2009-08-03T22:10:00.003-04:00

So I am inspired by Simple Mom. I love reading her--a recent post tried to shed light on her being someone who "does-it-all" that really she doesn't do it all. And I got to thinking, I am actually pretty hard on myself, so I thought that tonight I would list what I did do in a day, after those things that I didn't (note my attempt to be positive.) But I bet I'm going to find that I do a lot more than I think I do during the course of a day.

Today, I

*Did not finish all the tasks on my list

*Did not make a fresh loaf of bread as I had intended

*Did not make myself that nice cup of tea in the morning

*Did not watch any TV (not like I do on any other days either!)

*Did not have a break down, yelling stretch or even a bad attitude (Sometimes I even shock myself)!

*Did not waste a great deal of time toodling on the computer.

But Today, I

*Did love on my kids and husband

*Woke up at the appointed hour.

*Started my day with a huge list of things to do (at least I had a list)

*Accomplished some of the things on my list, including cleaning my room, unpacking from recent trips, filled the fish tank with water, threw out the nasty dead plant in the living room, signed K up for ballet, sorted, washed, and even put away some laundry

*Showed Love to Eric by filling his coffee cup numerous times.

*Started my day ahead of the kids including some time to meet a Dear Friend for breakfast.

*Went blueberry picking for the first time ever.

*Made a fantastic meal from scratch for my family and the in-laws.

*Wrote a long email letter to someone whom I love.

*Soothed a little boy who had his first Bee Sting.

*Spent special time with a middle child who doesn't always get special time her way.

*Managed to have 30 minutes quiet in the afternoon where the kids played and I finished my book.

*Cleaned the kitchen and put out at least some of the recycling.

*Clocked out (mostly) by 9:30.

All in all, not a bad day. And better yet, I had a good attitude to match the day. Here's praying for a better one tomorrow!

Ponder this awhile

2009-08-02T19:29:00.003-04:00

So I have come to the conclusion that since having kids I have lost the ability to think, but only recently have I missed it. Confused? Let me explain. . .

Once upon a time I was a person who thought a lot about a lot of cool and (I felt) meaningful things. I had opinions and thoughts to offer to a conversation and surprisingly, some people wanted to hear what I had to say.

Life has changed since then. I went from working in a ministry that was impacting the lives of many middle schoolers to working in a home impacting the lives of three precious gifts. Rarely do they ever ask me for a deep thought or a bit of a sermon on how Christ would handle unruly parents or relationship troubles. We're in more of the "Sit-down-and-listen-to-what-I-say-and-respond-appropriately-the-first-time" mode, along with "if-you-keep-saying words-like-that-you-may-get-to-eat-soap-for-dinner." (Don't worry, no soap has been eaten by anyone yet!) And honestly, I rarely feel like I have much of value to add to many conversations. People stop to talk and I have little to say and often I feel as if I am only bringing up the negative in my life instead of all the wonderful postive things that I am blessed with.

And then today it hit me at our church camp-out--while our Pastor was asking for observations about the weekend we had spent out in nature--that I didn't have anything to add. And that stung a little. Sure, I could have added something cute about my kids and how we discovered a spider wrapping its catch on a spider web. But honestly, I had nothing that would impart God's wisdom to another person (or so I thought). And while the time in my life where I need to be the center of attention has passed, I still know that I need to have creative thought about things that aren't necessarily related to kids and child rearing and homeschooling and keeping a home.

I want to think again. I think I am getting there. Just recently I had the whisper of a thought about God and lions and Aslan and majesty. And I tried to capture it, but it vanished. But I am pretty sure that before long, it will come back. And this time, I will be ready to catch it!

Week #8 Recap

2009-07-25T22:03:00.006-04:00

Monday--3 miles: 29.30 (ish)

Tuesday--3.0695 miles: 30.01 (exact)

These two days had great runs. Monday's was at the gym. Had some unexpected cheerleading, which was really encouraging. Even ending my run in her honor listening to a little Sasha Fierce (Beyonce, for those who weren't positive).

Tuesday, I ran outside our little three mile run and it felt pretty good. This run/walk thing has enabled me to build up some endurance that allows me to run for a bit longer than 10 minutes before a walk break. Although, my knee usually tells me when it needs a break and that often happens right around 11 minutes, but who's timing?

I was supposed to run on Thursday, but we left for a wedding on Thursday morning and I didn't pack hardly anything the night before, so . . .no run.

But really I was saving all of my extra stored energy for Saturday's 11 mile run in Canada

Saturday: who knows how far--our best guess, 12-13 miles

who knows how long--about 2 hours 15 minutes.

Why don't I know such basic information about a run that took over two hours? Well, that's because we got totally, seriously, and completely lost in Kitchener, Ontario, Canada during our run. Not just a little lost, really lost, like call up Eric's parents and tell them we don't know where we are but we have just run for over two hours and we need them to come find us and bring us back to the hotel--that's seriously lost.

Did we plan to be that lost? No, that's a silly question. Eric was the man with a plan. He spent a good hour trying to find and map a suitable run for us. But no plan can work when you leave the hotel and immediately go in the wrong direction. Oops! After a short while we came to a road that he had planned for us to run on, but not at that time--it was the road that we were essentially supposed to come out of and then finish up our run. So we decided to follow it for a while--we passed some nice parks and ran through a seriously new and huge and crammed-together subdivision before we came out near a place where we were supposed to run, so we sorta continued to follow the plan from there--ran for a while down River street to Lorraine. But then Eric was concerned that if we had turned around at that point and just run back to the hotel (which we could have done with no problems) that we wouldn't have enough mileage for the day. So we kept running. . .

Down Lorraine to Heritage (where again Eric thought we should turn around--but I am not one for turning around, it sorta sounds like a horrible idea). So we turned onto Heritage. That's where we left the semblance of anything that we knew and ventured into guessing territory. Down Heritage to a light at Ottawa (which we recognized)--I was hoping we would simply run down Ottawa until we reached another cross-street we recognized and thereby return to home. Umm, no. The man with the plan saw the name of a street that was on the original run list and opted down that street. So up Oldfield we go (at this point we have been running for 1 hour 40 minutes--I know this because we had our second Gu and a water walk break on Oldfield.) We get to a light on a major road (which we had never seen before, but would have been really nice to have known--it would have saved us a great deal) But Eric realizes that Oldfield turns into Zeller, which is again on his list--so we proceed into the Subdivision Of Doom! (insert ominous sound effects here!)

Running along, getting ready to be done, but still feeling okay--Zeller turns into Old Zeller. It was a huge subdivision, lots of houses jammed really tightly together, but lots of construction still yet to be done. Somewhere along this road a sweet lady stopped and asks us for directions to the Radisson (which is where we happen to be staying). We give her the directions that we are following--take Zeller to Projected Rd to Fairway to the hotel. Not an issue--except that Projected Road was not a street name, it was a projected road to be built by the subdivision. Um, yeah. So we send this ladies off thinking that we Americans have done such a great service.

As we run down Zeller we see the ladies turn, but never ourselves do we find Projected Road. In fact it looks like Zeller DEAD ENDS--into a river. But handily enough, there is a trail off the road--the Grand River Trail. Well, this is something we recognize, Eric looked at it when trying to find a run for us. So we think that this will get us somewhere. And on this trail we realize we have been running for enough over two hours that E's parents (who are graciously watching the kids) might start getting worried) and that we don't see where this trail gets off (although it was a beautiful trail). Oh wait, isn't that the farm that we passed way earlier on Zeller Road? Oh no!

At this point we have called for help. Eric's Dad and brother come to rescue us. But not before we manage to find our way out of the massively, huge and winding Subdivision of DOOM! (enter ominous soundtrack)

Although we were lost, it was a pretty great run. It was a cloudy and not too warm day, occasional drips of rain, a nice breeze. And my running partner was pretty great. Together we kept it from being a tense (although there were moments--like Ottawa and Oldfield) and instead we had a nice adventure. However at the end, our legs felt like they were empty, out of energy stores. Mine sorta felt like they were going to start cramping in order to find more energy stores. And now, we both feel it, my knee is very stiff and Eric (and my) legs are tired. I think tomorrow is going to be a sore morning. Oh well. We're still in Canada-there's more adventuring to do yet!

Week #7 Recap

2009-07-18T13:55:00.004-04:00

Hmmm, what to say about this week? Well,

Tuesday--3 miles

Saturday--10.28 miles

This was a frustrating week. I couldn't seem to get the runs I needed to in. So many things foiled my efforts--the kids, Eric's job, my inability to be flexible when an opportunity to run appeared. It made me think a lot during my run today (in order to avoid thinking about the creaks and aches in my knees and ankles)--am I nuts? Who am I to think that I can juggle all these things--a young, demanding family, a strong need for plenty of sleep, a husband with an unpredictable work schedule--enough to be able to train properly for a full marathon. That, and I am slow--honestly, I am okay with my slowness, but the idea of running for almost 5 hours on marathon day is very mind-boggling to me. Even today--I woke up, fed the kids, gave instructions to Ana and started to run, was home just before 11. That's half the day gone. Is this worth my time?

I think it is, but I have to be realistic about what I can pull off in this life I lead. Can I do this, should I do this without sacrificing my family and my sanity? And my life is soon to be crazier (not simpler) as we start homeschooling in just about a month. If I were being completely honest with you, I would tell you that I keep asking God to tell me "No, don't do it", to make it clear and definite--and that's not the answer I get--instead I hear God tell me to keep going, pound out one more mile, that He will get me through this. I sorta am beginning to think that I need to prove to myself that I am capable of such a feat, especially since giving up seems a nice option.

But enough of my mental games with myself. Despite not getting to run as I should have this week, today's 10 miles by myself was remarkable pleasant. And I did it on my own--Eric was recovering from too many late nights (or mornings) at work. Of course, I'm slow, but I did it--no extra breaks and I ran exactly as I should have. My knee wasn't too bothersome and the other creaks were just complaints. GU is a wonderful invention, I think it helped a great deal! There was some nice sun at the beginning and a great breeze at the end. It was a nice run. I actually can say that I enjoyed myself. I think that statement, all on its own, marks me as a woman in need of some counseling (or a vacation retreat at a wonderful spa!)

Marathon Update!

2009-07-17T10:29:00.000-04:00

WANT

GIVE

UP!

Week #6 Recap

2009-07-12T15:08:00.000-04:00

Okay folks, I'm really in it--even seasoned runners are training for the marathon by now. I think it is fair to say "I AM A MARATHONER!"

Monday--3 miles (30.47)

No biggie, three miles on the track. Ran well. Felt great in my feet (not so great in my knee). Ran two great miles (both at 10.04) and a fairly slow last one.

What did I learn today? Well, you can't drink pop all weekend and then expect to feel well hydrated for a run on Monday morning. Oops! I guess diet and hydration really does matter (which I already knew, but am marking this because of my own stupidity). So now I am actually contemplating a diet adjustment for the duration of this challenge (which is interesting to type considering the fact that I am sipping a Coke as I type this). I think I will even more severely limit both my alcohol and pop consumption for the next 14 weeks, especially on days before I need to run. And I will up my intake of water--because that makes sense, is healthy, and really, water generally. Starting tomorrow. . . ;o

Tuesday--3 miles (34.35)

Ick! What a slow, sluggish run. If I run this slow all the time--a marathon will feel like forever. I don't even want to run another 3 miles that slowly. In fact, I'm afraid that I might just throw in the towel. I don't want to run this slowly.

On a minor note, my knee is achy today. I don't like these aches and pains. Is this going to be the way that it is? Do I just have to deal with this throughout the whole time? Am I strong enough to deal with a pain? Not to just throw in the towel because it is hard?

As Lance Armstrong told me yesterday during my workout: "Pain is temporary, Quitting is forever!" Thanks, Lance.

Thursday--0 miles

I've had a hard time working this run into my life. For some reason it never works out that I can get this run in--like this morning, I was supposed to go out at 7 a.m., but then I was up with Olivia for two hours--it's pretty hard to get up to run when you haven't got enough sleep. Then, I was going to go out later in the afternoon, but to be honest, I don't like running in the afternoon--it cuts into the rest of life and disrupts the regularly scheduled programming. So I didn't run.

But then Friday came and I ran

Friday--2.45 miles (24.21)

Oh goodie, the kids are at zoo school and I can take OG to the gym for a few minutes and get in one more run this week before the long run. I quit a bit before I should have, but I didn't want to push too hard because tomorrow I am going to run 9 Miles! Ack! Am i nuts? (and I believe that the answer should be affirmative!)

Saturday--9 miles (1:38:30)

Yikes! Today we ran 9 miles. What do I say about a run like this? Parts of it felt great, parts felt awful. There were times when my legs felt great and there were other times where they felt as though they were made of lead (which Eric so kindly pointed out is at least partially correct). Towards the end (about mile 8, heading into the finish) my legs and knees were done--they didn't want to run anymore. I kept going, but there definitely wasn't any sprinting at the end of this run.

Only complaints--still working out the knee thing, I don't want to complicate my entire life by ruining my ability to walk by hurting my knee. And, I've got a hot spot where I could very likely develop a nasty blister. But really, I was tired and very hungry after I was done but I was okay. And now I have a week left to psych myself up for a 10 mile run.

At some point I am going to have to get over the "this is the farthest that I have ever run" attitude. At some point the novelty needs to wear off (which it is, quickly).

Also, I am noting that my emotional commitment to the whole marathon race aspect is very volatile--as in one day I feel great that I am a marathoner and then next I wonder if I have it in me to complete. I think that these are normal, human emotions, but seriously, I wish that I could just know that I can do it--just look ahead in the magic ball and see myself crossing the finish line and know that the aches and pains and inconveniences and determination are all worth it, that I am better person at the end of this. There were moments during this run when I seriously thought--"well, a half marathon is respectable as well" but I don't want to give myself that out yet. There is no reason to--I still have 14 weeks to get there. And by the Strength of God, I will.

"I can do all things through him who strengthens me."

(it's a lot easier to quote that one than live it sometimes!)

Week #5 Recap

2009-07-03T22:01:00.001-04:00

Not all content suitable for the faint of heart, the young, or male. Read at your own discretion.

A Disclaimer: Week Five has proved to be difficult because of the regular cycle of hormones that drive me nuts for a couple days every month. Some the language and words therein might reflect this reality. If you find this to be uncomfortable or awkward, you may not want to continue--You have been warned!

Monday: 3 Miles (31.20--10.18/10.28/10.33)

Running: Good

Feet: Good (for 2.5 miles--muscled through the last .5)

Attitude: Pretty Great! Today's run was fantastic, even though it was at the gym!

Running Philosophy: Run/Walk--Ohh, you've never heard of this one? Well, it's a miracle for people like me who can't run continually for long distances and who are very refreshed from a brief walk. Today, I ran for a full mile and then walked to recover for 1 minute. As you can tell, it didn't affect my time seriously. I actually think that might have had a slightly better time because of it.

The Run/Walk practice was started by a man named Jeff Galloway and it has helped many people who were not able to run long distances very fast to accomplish more by working in brief periods of walking into their run. This allows the body to recuperate and replenish a bit before the next amount of strenuous activity. In training for a long run, someone who wants to run 10 minute miles would run for 3 minutes and walk for 1. I find this a bit excessive, especially since I can run a couple miles fairly well. But I like the idea of a break, both physically and mentally. And after I have had a very brief break (I am really not able to do most runs without one) I run stronger, faster, and more fluidly. It just feels better. But we'll see. The proof, as they say, is in the pudding.

Oh, and I have a very skeptical running partner who wants to RUN a marathon (to which I responded, well, you run, I will complete it in my goal time and feel better than you!). Eric is very skeptical that you can walk as part of a run and not lose significant time. And I think that he kinda views regular walk breaks as quitting or failure. I have no such illusions. In my view it allows me to complete and feel great success. My goal is completing a marathon, not running one. I hope over the next few weeks to show him that this works for me and it will enable me to my goal time of 4:30 (during which I would have run for four hours and walked for 26 minutes--I think that qualifies as running). Did I mention my running partner is skeptical? Just wanted to make sure you knew that!

Tuesday--3 miles (0.00.00)

Yeah, today was a bad, bad, BAD. I woke up crabby and it didn't get better. I was supposed to run first thing in the morning with Eric, but that didn't happen. Then I thought that I would run later in the day--so I made sure to fuel up with great runner's food: two yesterdogs, chips, and a pop (K's choice--it was her lunch date with mommy). After feeling sufficiently crabby, I was slightly looking forward to a run with Eric after he returned home from work, BUT we had a bit of a non-communication and that didn't happen. So essentially, I didn't run today.

But if I had to be completely honest. I didn't want to. It sounded like unpleasant, inconvenient, hard work. And it was not appealing. I was already tired from a couple nights of broken sleep thanks to not-sleeping-well-children and then there were some unexpected hormonal challenges that popped up to make me more anxious, crabby and irrational. All this combined in ugly form to prevent me from running.

To this point in my life, I have never used hormones and PMS as an excuse for things--maybe my temper would flare up, but I would accept responsibility for that and do my best to avoid aggravating situations or control my emotions. However, the reality that I was knocked on my butt by testosterone, estrogen, and progesterone, makes me say to myself, "Am I getting that old? Is this going to happen through the next few months? How do I deal with this yet give myself the grace to not?" Arrggh, sometimes these things are frustrating and unresolvable. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Wednesday--3 miles (30.24--10.10/10.04/10.10)

Did you read those numbers? Go back and read them again. Did you catch what they said? Nope, well, let me spell it out for you--I cut 1 minute off my run time on a day that I felt slow, sluggish and completely unmotivated. My feet hurt because I had been wearing my running shoes all day and I was/am tired. But I ran faster! How? Well, I walked--a total of two minutes in there--one minute after mile one and one minute after mile two! I didn't lose a ton of seconds from lap to lap. And after I was done, although I had worked hard and kept up a tough pace, especially during the 2nd mile, I felt okay--not fall on my back or lean over to catch my breath tired, but okay--spent and worn, but okay.

I am definitely buying into this whole run/walk thing. It works for me (sorta like H**ked on Ph*nics!).

And while I don't think that he can admit it yet, I think Eric may be warming to this idea, especially since I am excited and think that it works for me. I kinda wonder if it helped him run a quick last mile--even though he is still catching up from a night of work a couple days ago. He said that he was pleased (read: surprised) at the time he came up with.

Friday--8 miles (1:27:16)

What? Did I hear that correctly? Did my running partner say "thank you" for the walk breaks today? Because I am pretty sure that's what I heard--and am relishing in it. I think I'll make a believer out of him after all!

So this morning, we got up and ran 8 miles--well, we ran for 10 minutes and walked for one. There were two untimed drink/potty breaks (at the library, not the woods). You know this was a big one for me because not only did I go my farthest distance, but I also did another first--I ran without my ipod. The whole time. Eric and I actually talked some and concentrated at other times. You know what, it wasn't that bad. There were times when I am pretty sure that I could have used some music as motivation, some extra beat to push us along, but all in all, it was okay.

Also two things to note. The pace we had today was essentially the same as last Saturday's 10K pace, but I didn't hate today's run nor did I want to collapse when I finished. I had a couple little aches, but all in all, it was good. I am pleased with our time and although there are times when I felt we were plodding a little, there were also times when we picked up the pace, especially towards the end when Eric really wanted to be done.

Secondly, I must give HUGE props to Eric for this run. He didn't want to go. He didn't even want to get out of bed this morning. He definitely wanted to quit early and cut a couple miles out. He didn't want to speed up. But he did, the whole time. And he is a trooper. Thanks sweetie. I am proud of you for today. You see, Eric has done a couple of overnight cases this week and has not had enough time to recuperate from the lack of sleep, so it was a pretty tired Eric who dragged his butt out of bed this morning to join me.

Finally, I am wondering how much attention to pay to little aches and pains. Part of the reason that I have my ipod when I run is because I have this terrible habit of thinking a bad thing too long--i.e. the ache in my shin is a shin splint and it's going to turn into a stress fracture and I am not going to be able to run or I feel an ache in my Achilles, it's going to pop and then I'll be off my feet for months. You know, unhealthy obsession and worry. But I started to have aches which I figure is just the result of hard work but am nervous become something worse. So what do I do? Where do I find information? Ack! Too many questions, few trustworthy answers.

Week Total--14 miles (Honestly, we're all screwed up because of the holiday--but at least the long run got in! Seriously, only two miles short. Next week 18 miles!)

Slacker!

2009-07-01T09:21:00.004-04:00

Umm, I think the word slacker applies to me in these last two days. I haven't had a desire to do much of anything useful, particularly run. I have been letting little excuses rule and consequently, haven't had my 2nd run of the week. (i'm trying to work up the gumption to go this afternoon!) But, I've pinpointed the source of said slacker-hood--umm, shall we chalk it up to a chemical abundance raging through me these couple days? I've have never liked to make excuses for myself based on a phyiscal reality for most women my age, but man. Also, if this happens every month, I'm afraid that the results are going to an ill-prepared me to run a race I really want.

Honestly, I'm not too worried, just wanted to be honest, mostly with myself.

Some Beginning Thoughts

2009-06-28T22:01:00.005-04:00

So, it's the start of Week #5 of marathon training. This week I up my mileage by two miles (for a total of 17 miles). What are my thoughts at this point? Well, I want this, but I think it is hard, harder even than I had anticipated. Not the planning, I got that, but the actual commitment of doing it. Part of the reason that I want to do this is because I know that I am a pretty good planner--I think about most details in advance. I can gather the things that I need to be adequately prepared. I can do the research to tell me what I need to do.

And I can start.

But rarely do I find myself finishing. I feel like this is a test that I need to pass because it closely parallels another great task in my life. Can you guess? Yep, homeschooling. I can do all the planning and reading and preparing and research, but am pretty scared about actually doing the serious work that will allow me to be successful and complete well.

So I have started training for a marathon. I have completed 4 out of 20 weeks. What are my next steps? Well, I think that I need to actually sign up for the thing, you know, put down the money and commit once and for all. And then, tomorrow morning, I have to gather the will to get me and all the kids to the gym. After I get there, I need to run three miles on the track and lift weights. I figure any more out later.

And I have to contend that this is a serious physical battle. First, I have noticed that while I can have the energy for the runs, I am more tired, much more willing to go to bed at night. I think that running four days a week is taxing and affecting my energy/motivation level for some of the other tasks of my everyday life. I think that I need to adjust the way that I eat more to give me more energy--i.e. more pasta! (I think spaghetti and meatballs tomorrow night!) Also, today is the first day that my body hurts from running--my knees, my feet, my shins. All of them are the teeniest bit upset at me for the strain that I put them under yesterday (they definitely argue when I walk up and down the stairs!). More long runs might produce more similar results. This is part of the fight--not to let these things derail me, not to let little inconveniences be stronger than my desire to complete this marathon.

Finally, I am in the mental part of the game. This is a conscious choice. I have made a decision and I have to stick with it. A fellow marathoner (a friend who has actually completed one) was so encouraging to me today. There is something to be said about talking to someone who has actually experienced this. He told me that this is hard, but it's worth it. That this is a mental game and that I CAN DO IT! And you know what, I think that I might try believing him!

Thanks for your encouragement friends. I appreciate your questions and conversations, for listening to me ramble. Keep it up--that's part of what keeps me going!

P.S. In case you were wondering or if you even care--the bright orange site is in honor of my running tank that I love!